Too exhausted to start a fight?

A recurring theme in my life in the past few years is "putting up with crap". Though I guess that's familiar to many. In my case the theme seems to recur with having to live or work or just have individuals around you who are making the time a chore.

I hesitate to bring this up but hell, it's my damn blog. I want to vent.

When I was at uni I lived in a house with three other girls. A couple of years earlier I would have defined that situation as a nightmare, but we ended up in it regardless. The first few months were fun where we all got along, even with the quieter girl mainly keeping to herself. However, things changed. I think the catalyst was during a break for the Easter holidays the girl I later had an issue with (not the quiet one!) had a sudden break up with her boyfriend back home, and whilst I stayed in Cheltenham and suddenly started dating Tom. From that point she got more distant and cold towards me even though I didn't do anything to her. The next year was a pain living there, and whenever I moaned about the situation to anyone they recommended I try talking to her, and I would have done if I had thought it would have made any difference. Tricky though; she wasn't actually doing anything 'wrong' so trying to explain to someone that just the way they are is a problem. So I just got on with it as best as possible until I got to move out.

I wonder though, if I am the kind of person who deliberately avoids conflicts for the sake of keeping the peace? When does it become a problem to allow the equilibrium to be disturbed? 

In situations where there is a balance of power or status is it easier to help in these situations? After all, at work you can report to your manager and try to get a professional approach to ease things. But that doesn't always work - people are human and don't take criticism well, so imagine being stuck at work with someone who has complained about you. And imagine having tried to raise a complaint about an individual to then find it made things worse?

Another gripe I may voice is when you feel a friend has wronged you in some way. How do you gently approach a friend who may not be even vaguely aware that you feel they did something to hurt you? [I realise as I type this that although the entire world won't be reading this, those who do may wonder if it's directed at them. I can only assume who you are from those who have left comments. Either way, no comment from me! that would be unfair I guess. Hmm.] 

I feel I've had friends who aren't too considerate about other people's feelings, whether intentionally or not, and felt hurt and let down by them. Those who don't keep in touch with you but make an effort with others. Those who talk about occasions or events but never invite you. Those who have moved on and made new friends but forgotten about you.

People are hard work.

Looking Good?

I'll be the first to admit that sometimes I'll think Tom and I are very different individuals, and we have things that drive each other nuts.

There are good things too though! One of the things I think I've learned from Tom is not caring too much about what other people think in terms of things like worrying about their reactions. Tom admittedly doesn't really care what anyone really thinks about him anyway, but I'm a bit more sensitive.

However I admire the ability to not get uptight and concerned about things which are really not too important, mainly my appearance. It's so easy to get anxious about things with all the pressure and media surrounding fashion and size and looking a certain way, etc... so to meet someone who had the attitude of not being too bothered by these sort of things is brilliant. From my perspective I know there are things Tom would prefer me to wear on occasions (for example he thinks I look nice in dresses) but would never force me to do anything. A while ago he was encouraging me to get a fringe but I quite firmly stated that would not happen!

When you look harder at the important things with people you see their beauty beyond their appearance. And I think it's a sign of maturity to consider that if you are spending your life with someone you will see them change and age and go through all things with it, and still want to be with them. We're in our prime now so arguably things are only going to go downhill! Losing hair, gaining hair, weight, wrinkles, teeth... the lovely list is endless if you want to find things 'wrong' with your body.

But instead celebrate that you are what you are and who you are and the important things are your health and your relationships. Bodies will wear out and get tired, your soul and spirit doesn't have to.

Still miserable

Maybe I'm just a very sensitive individual, or maybe it's because I have already experienced my (un)fair share of sadness in my life, but I'm still shattered about Douglas. I know things will get better and each day things get a little easier, but that dark cloud of misery is still hanging over everything.

Strange how such a small life makes so much of an impact on the bigger things around it.

I think the hardest thing for anyone who has lost someone is the fact the most recent memories of them will be the painful - their death, the circumstances surrounding it, illness and suffering, responsibility and blame... And you have to really push yourself to remember the good things about them, the good memories - their personality, their voice, anecdotes, things they liked...

In my mind somewhere is a list of names under a heading reading 'DEAD' which is only going to get longer. I just hope it's a long time until anyone else is added to it.

Some sad news

Yesterday I took Douglas, my 9 month old uromastyx, to the vet. He'd been avoiding most food and been lethargic for a few weeks and I was getting worried. My mum nicely came and gave me a lift down to the vet.

When we got there it turned out he had a massive blockage in his system, either impaction (only cause we could think of was when we got him in June he had been living on sand which is known for causing this problem) or a huge growth. Whatever the cause it had essentially blocked his entire system and was fatal. Given that he was only about 3 inches long surgery was pretty much out of the question so the kindest thing to do was to have him put to sleep.

It was a hideous and quick decision I had to make and I was (and still am) absolutely devastated. The vet was very kind and said it was clear he was well cared for and we loved him, and I had a brief moment to hold him to say goodbye.

I decided not to stay for the anaesthetic or take away his body as we don't really have anywhere to bury him and I wanted to remember him alive. He was so small, so young, and the only comfort we got was that it was nothing that we did to him that caused the problem; it was just how it was.

In a strange way the timing of this all has made things easier: I'm off all weekend so don't have to go to work, he still had enough fat in him to carry on living but he was never going to get better so at least he wasn't in any more pain than that. Sadly Tom was stuck at work when I told him but he tends to deal with these things better than me. I have spent most of the past day crying.

Rest in peace little Douglas. I'm so sorry it happened this way, but we gave you the best life we could and we love you very much.

Life, The Universe, and Everything II

I'm sure I've already mused (rambled) on this sort of topic before but this has seemed quite apt recently.

What is the point of life? We've sanitised too much of the survival instinct and behaviour with modern convenience for us to need much purpose. We don't need to hunt for food, just work to buy it. Entertainment is at our fingertips. Medicine from our doctors and pharmacies.

Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the convenience of things. But why are we so bored?

There's a perspective in sociology called Functionalism, where they see each part of society as a cog in a machine which keeps working as every part has a function and works. It's slightly less depressing than Marxism (where the rich are keeping us down) but still a bit of a thinker. Am I here just to be that worker in society who has a job and therefore pays tax and keeps her own self afloat and helps keep the crime rate low and literacy rate high?

What happens when we start to get sick of our 'place'? Why should I work? Why should anyone who doesn't want to have to? Isn't life too short? Are we being kept in place by force by some upper force keeping our wages low enough to ensure our dependency on jobs as they revel in wealth and satisfaction? (the Marxism creeps back in...)

Perhaps the only way to appreciate anything in life is to know the difference it makes. Case study: recently our bathroom light broke. As we rent, it is the landlord's duty to come and repair it.

However the agency/ landlord took their time and we had darkness in the bathroom for about 5 weeks in total:

After it was fixed we greatly appreciated having that light back. But in the grand scheme of things happiness is not a bathroom light.

So I pose this question to you: What brings happiness? Not the brief gladness feeling you get from ducklings etc, but contentment. Or, is it even possible to have such thing as long-term contentment?

Answers on a postcard (ie comments section)

When things (people) move on

In my little life I have gone through a few big changes in circumstances over the years. The obvious ones are moving through school to sixth form, to uni, to graduating. In this I've been in different places and, in the case of university, lived in a different town altogether.

What of the things we leave behind? [sidenote - I have really learned that your family are for life, what a miracle!]

My big regret is that during the early part of uni I did not take greater care to keep in touch with people back home. At the beginning I was a dreadful bore everytime I went back; I was all about uni and my life there. It was mostly the same for everyone who had gone the same direction (what a fascinating bunch new students must be) so trying to keep up with a place you aren't constantly being saturated in can be a struggle. I'm not excusing it but my halls of residence didn't have internet for 9 out of the 10 months, so social networks, blogs, etc were used less.

However that annoying phase of "centre of the universe-ity" did end and I tried to get back in touch with some of the friends from back home. Of course people don't tend to pause their lives waiting for you so things had changed and a few were in different places and, perhaps, not as contactable. I'd like to think any messages of mine that I never reciprocated were the result of a lapse of concentration, changing phone numbers, etc, not being shoved at the back of a mental friend-priority pile where I'd worn myself to the edge of their radar.

With the internet you can see when someone has been in touch, for example a Facebook wall post. If you can see it, then it's there, and so can everyone else. With that ease, why not bother to reply? Especially when the rest of your activities are available to see so you can't use the excuse of missing the message or not being online recently.

Now I am seeing some of the individuals who were arguably quite close to me before I left have another life. I have not been there to see all of their changes, to know what has been going on and to develop our relationships. I do have friends here, some great friends, but seeing as a lot were from uni and themselves have moved on with their lives too, it would be nice to think that I can again have some passionate, close, loving friends like I used to.

I sound ungrateful - I'm not. Individuals are individuals, but I guess I miss having the access to a group with a connection in the way I felt it as a teenager. What is missing from the present, I'm not sure. Likewise, maybe I just need to try a bit harder with the people around me now so I don't end up missing them in the same way.

And also I'm sure I'll have many new friends to meet in the future. I hope.

Just for Mel (and anyone else...)

Thought I'd show you a pic of my monsters:

This is Rusty along one of my arms, how is that not cute?!

Ok, how about this:

Tiny Douglas!

Currently the little dude is asleep in his tank under a bit of wood, and the big one is wedged in between me and the end of the sofa also asleep. Aww, content babies...!


/annoying motherly-reptile post.

What can you live with?

What can you put up with not being perfect in your life? And what must you have been as good as it possibly can? Where will you make the sacrifice? I'd been thinking about this recently and ended up discussing it with a college at work today.

For example: you might be able to put up with a mediocre job, but only be happy if you live in a house instead of a flat.

Another: you might not mind dating and being single (against being in a relationship) but spend as much free time and energy on a particular hobby, like a sport.

I've also learned how to add pictures! Go me!

The reason I am thinking this is because I'm evaluating what I prioritise over what in life. I have lived in absolute dumps (sorry uni house!) and I am not a neat person. My flat is where I live but I'm not very materialistic. The place is untidy and has no room for ornaments or decoration. Everything here is functional or usable; furniture, books, computer, all the kitchen stuff, lizard tanks. I can deal with not having a perfect home - it doesn't bother me too much.

However there will be other areas where I will be picky and demanding. Maybe not outwardly so, but I have a growing awareness of things I want to change, even if they are not permanent, for the slightly better. As there are those who will go giddy over colour schemes, picture frames, furnishings etc, and will also spend a huge amount of time and effort maintaining them, I can let that slide. But I will be more easily bothered by other parts of my everyday life which I shall work to change.

An example of a home by someone who actually has time for it...

Not being too materialistic is a good thing in my opinion. If something breaks, it's broken. It might be annoying but it's not really the end of the world. The things I treasure the most are living things, memories and experiences; things you can't really buy or knock over. Sofas are for sitting on, tables for putting things down on, candles for lighting. Nuts to materialism.

Mind you, I lost my DVD of A Clockwork Orange a while ago and it annoys me slightly that I may eventually have to buy a replacement.

Ugghh...

Today I feel dreadful. I'm not unused to feeling a little rough once in a while, even though that doesn't cushion the blow at all. But today I am having to face up to a decision to speak to a doctor about letting me take medicine every day to try and help with a few days of horror.

I've resisted this for the past year or so in the hope that 1) things might start to get better without the aid of too many interfering drugs, and 2) trying to justify taking meds every day for a problem that ruins 2 days out of 30.

However I'm getting sick of ignoring it. I will have to deal with any consequences sensibly and make use of the medical help I can get in this country. To anyone who is ill or in any kind of discomfort, I have sympathy! So much sympathy. As personal comfort and health is such a relative thing, it can be easy for people to lack any kind of empathy if how they are effected by things is not the same as yourself; you're "making a big deal" to them. How unfair.

Anyway, I've finally got myself comfortable on the sofa (thank God I'm not back at work until Monday) and am reluctant to move too much as it took me about an hour and lots of tablets to get here! At least I don't have to do anything too strenuous for the next few days.

But I do want to make a cake later.

Goodbye to geckos

Yesterday I took our leopard geckos Sonny and Luna to a reptile shop in Gloucester. It was a hard decision but we'd eventually decided we wanted to get them a new home.

They aren't exactly the hardest pets in the world, but because they are quite basic in terms of intelligence and instinct they will never love attention and interacting like, for example, a dog or cat does. We'd 'tamed' them to tolerate being handled as much as we could so they would allow us to touch them without biting us (most of the time!) but it still stressed them slightly.

Also, as we'd accidentally put a male and female together they have become a breeding pair and now Sonny lays eggs every few weeks. We simply don't have the equipment or space to be able to incubate and hatch any eggs, then there's the hassle of selling the babies (who naturally have foul tempers and get stressed easily).

So we made the hard decision to see if someone would take them off our hands and offer them a better life. We certainly weren't neglecting them or anything horrible, we just think a more experienced breeder might be able to make better use of them, and they could add another female to the group and use Luna's albino colouring for mating and mixing certain colours and patterns.

As I mentioned, they aren't too intelligent or emotional (even as mates they still have no regard for the other and will literally walk all over them) so I don't think they are missing us, just getting used to a new location for the time being. The shop looked fantastic and they will keep them together and hatch some of their babies, so we're happy we've done the right thing.

Let this be a lesson to really think about the consequences before obtaining life of any kind.

On a happier note, we still have Rusty the bearded dragon and Douglas the uromastyx at home. At this present moment Rusty is wondering about the living room floor exploring/ looking for trouble. He seems quite content, which is all that matters when it comes to these little guys.