Bloody hard work

Title sounds very British...

Relationships are exhausting. They are the fundamental connection all human beings make in life, in every way, but to sustain a good one you need to work hard. I think that is where people tend to struggle with each other.

Have you ever been in a relationship with someone where you have run out of things to say to each other? I think I've been in that situation a few times and it's not a comfortable one. Losing interest in someone can be heartbreaking when it is a very close relationship. 

The relationships where the love is life-long and unconditional (ie: family) I feel you can enjoy the silence when there are pauses in communication. But not everyone works like that. 

Friends and romantic relationships often require more effort. But is it always worth it?

There is much to be said about sharing ideas and interests with the one person you are close with; discussions, b

debates and decisions tend to be easier that way. So trying to bond with someone who finds the most boring crap totally fascinating, who disagrees with your views, and has different personality traits might be a bit too hard. Sure, the start might be fun and interesting, but once the novelty wears off will it work?

If it is worth it, then yes. But, sometimes we need to accept that if the future of a relationship is going in wildly different directions for the individuals then it may be kinder to end it before getting more tangled.

That's not to say we should just give up at the first hurdle and throw everything away. Relationships are about the special bond between 2 people; about caring and loving, about rowing and disagreeing, about reconciling and determination. And fun. There must always be some fun and laughter!

Future Ambitions vs Reality

Recently I've been thinking more about the future and what I may ultimately end up doing. It's easy to think that we'll each have an understanding of the things we aren't completely sure of now, as if all the learning and training we will have in life has suddenly clicked into place, and we are all completely confident and sure of everything, and life is sorted. But in all honesty I know it's not always like that.

There are some areas of knowledge that even after years of involvement in the world that I am still stumped on. Like maths; I studied maths in school for 11 years. I am still terrible at maths. Basic addition and subtraction takes me a while to figure out and even then I still need a calculator.

With my training still ongoing in my newish job I am constantly aware of the amount I still do not know and things do not always come naturally to me. Most of this will be experience and practice, which is fine. I'm sure I'll eventually get there. What preoccupies me more is how long I will have to do it.

Don't get me wrong, it's not a bad job! It's just that sometimes I look back on the fact that I started this same role at 16 part-time whilst at school. Had I not bothered with my A Levels or university then I would be in arguably a better position in terms of a career in the same field. This seems to be what one of my colleges who is close to my age has done; and now she is in a good position with her job and has unshakable knowledge and confidence.

However I also then force myself to look at things a little more realistically: I have worked in a supermarket, 3 opticians, a call centre, an admin office, and several different shops. I have completed 3 A Levels (and an AS Level too!) and a degree. The fact that I am not working in my dream career is a combination of factors revolving around the restrictions of the recession, laziness, and the fact I am still not too sure what my EXACT dream career is and how to (successfully) get into it...

... but also if I stay with Tom and he does get into the Forces, perhaps I won't have to worry about it at all. I can choose where and when to work at my own leisure if money is not a problem (the dream of part-time hours!) Perhaps then I can actually look into options of what I really want to do, and I'm not telling you what that is yet!

I may require some kind of careers guidance I guess.

What advice would I give to my past self?

Inspired by my friend Mel's blog, I got to wondering if I had a way of communicating back to various points of my life, what would I say to my younger self?

Early Teens: "Don't let the bastards get you down, why do you care what all the other people think? Be nice but don't bother with anyone who wastes your time, you're worth more than that. Learn to shrug stuff off; why should you get embarrassed by anything? Keep listening to the music you like; those bands will always be worth it and the stuff everyone thinks is cool will be forgotten in about 3 years.
You will one day have a boyfriend, drink alcohol, have cool friends and even drive a car, but just wait and be patient, they aren't the end of the world. Oh, and do what ever the hell you want with your hair and clothes, Mum can't stay mad forever about things like that!"

Mid-late teens: "You're going to go through crap you can't begin to imagine, and it's not your fault. But it's not anyone else's fault either, so don't treat people as if it is. Whatever has caused your misery can't be changed, but you can make the rest of your life a better time. Accept yourself for who you are; you are beautiful, creative, lovely, wonderful person who lights up so many people's lives though you might not know it. Also, check out Scrubs, turns out Peter was right! Get on with your driving test too.
"When the rest of the nightmare kicks off remember who you have around you. They're going to need you for support just as much as you need them. And sometimes unlikely and tight bonds can form between people, treasure that. The pain of loss gets easier with time."

Uni: "Stick to your principles, stick with the right people, don't copy what everyone else does just because it's the done thing. Have a drink, go out, have fun, but don't live the life they do. Pick who you live with carefully, it's much easier living with people who share your values and beliefs and aren't totally miserable cows. And don't slag off your lecturers.
"Look for a job before you graduate, it's much tougher than you'd imagine. Plan ahead and get yourself organised. And save your money!"

Post-uni: "You end up living with a guy called Tom who you're in love with and he makes you get lizards as pets. The phase doesn't pass; you get at least 3, but it's ok because you secretly love them to bits. Job hunting is really demoralising but don't give up hope, and try new things. But as soon as you know you can't seriously stay in the job just get yourself out of there; your health isn't worth it and few people enjoy call centre work."

Anyone with a bit more wisdom got any advice they can give me for now?

Everyone is getting hitched!!!

Bloody hell, it's not quite March yet and already this year I know 3 people who have got engaged. All about my age too.

Are we all getting to the grown-up stage of our lives already? (I still don't feel particularly adult a lot of the time!) Have they all truly met the people they are destined to spend the rest of their lives with? Or are they just being romantic and not thinking about the huge responsibility of having to live and be married together?

I just get more questions the more I think! How do people know when they're ready to get married? Why do it at all in this day and age? (I do have some answers to that one myself but as a general musing) And how do you guarantee that it will last?

Some people it's easy to see how things will work and that they are clearly going to be a brilliant couple. But relationships are really hard work, regardless how lovely the people are. And I can't help but wonder at when some people get into the 'serious' stages if the couple can actually make it through all the tough stuff.

Same about myself; will I ever be totally prepared for everything in a relationship? In a few weeks I may have to think about the future a lot more and where I will be, and who will I be with? [This isn't ominous, Tom is trying to get into the Forces.]

Preparing for the future: A Case Study In Regret

I'm not too pleased with myself today, but I hope the guilt passes soon.

Today was the deadline for RSVP-ing to a friends' wedding. I was planning to go, naturally I want to see my friends get married and enjoy the best day of their lives with them, but the location is so far away from where I live, and in a remote location from where I would potentially be staying too. Unfortunately I didn't prepare enough ahead and sort of thought it would fall into place nearer the time but it didn't.

So regretfully I have had to say that I won't be able to be there. Which is a bummer.

The only consolation is that another friend is getting married a month later locally and the couple from this wedding I can't attend will be there, so at least I will be able to see them then, and celebrate our other friends' wedding.

I can blame it on many things: I can't drive, trains and hotels are so expensive, and at the moment we really don't have much cash for anything non-essential. Doesn't mean we shouldn't try to do things just because it isn't practical.

I just need to learn for next time.

Update of life and some films

Apologies, not much has been going on lately. Work is good and Tom had the last week off work so I got to see  him more often than usual which was nice!

We finally made it to the cinema last weekend to see The King's Speech, definitely worth a watch! I'm not going to bother reviewing it, just say all the cast did a fantastic job and it was really well done.

Luna, our youngest leopard gecko has recently developed a new annoying habit of rearranging her tank at night. We have cheaply decked it out with mainly cardboard tubes for her to hide in (leopard geckos aren't too demanding when it comes to stimulation) and she seems to have figured out how to move everything around. And she's nocturnal. Tom's been bothered when trying to sleep as her tank is in the bedroom though apparently I've not noticed it, but we didn't figure she'd be this fussy! Little monster.

My sister and her boyfriend have become engaged! So we'll hopefully be able to go home for a celebration in a few weeks. I guess they'll want a present then, knowing her...

And as a final note, we caught Ferris Bueller's Day Off last night on TV. I'd heard it was good but never managed to see it, and I must say it's one of the best films I've ever seen! It was hilarious, and both Tom and I were cracking up at everything. I went to bed and woke up still grinning! Then sadly I walked to work in the rain...

Work vs Benefits

After a brief discussion at work the other day, we were debating about government benefits and when it's right to have help and when you need to draw the line. In all honesty I have little experience with the whole financial benefit system and most people I know haven't either, so it's not fair for me to have overarching opinions on the whole thing.

But, hey, it's my blog.

We all know we have to work for a living, or failing that have someone rich to pay for everything for you. The idea is that you start dependent and work your way to providing for yourself. But why are there those who can't, or won't provide for themselves? Is it to do with upbringing? But if it is then what about those whose parents worked hard but they don't?

As far as I can (arguably naively) see, the idea of the benefits system is to help those who have fallen on hard times to get back to a self-sufficient place. The sad fact is that there are people who feel they are entitled to have money for nothing, regardless of the cost to other people. This is the apex of the negative label of 'benefits'.

I'd argue that you can rightly hate the fact some people will take advantage of the system put in place to aid them; those who have never worked and instead have a comfortable lifestyle without having to work for it. But what about the grey areas between?

Example: those who are on some kind of allowance which gives them money towards the necessities of life  but instead of using the amount to cover the complete cost, they pick a luxury option as they can afford the rest now part of it has been paid for.

Better analogy: someone needs shoes, they do not earn enough money so the government help them out and give them £30 to help afford them, instead of picking the £30 shoes, or even the £40 option, they opt for the designer £150 option which they prefer despite all shoes perform the same and do the same job. Is that moral?

IMO: No. We are all constricted by our means. I cannot afford all the nice shiny things I would like. We are tied to what we can afford. That's alright, it's how it is. But why am I having to foot the bill for those too selfish and lazy to do the same? If you need help for a while, that's fine, life can be harsh and everyone is entitled to some help. But don't get lazy and misguidedly forget your HELP and entitlement is only there because other people pay for it and your government does not want people to get too stuck.

Is Anger OK?

I suddenly thought about how my generation may be described (amongst other things) as perhaps a very angry generation. We see the things around us that are wrong, and we get angry about that. This is a good thing.

Lame example of a society's anger: the woman who put the cat in the wheelie bin. Look how much attention that got, and how viciously angry (rightfully in my opinion) we got as a nation.

But what about other things? What about the issues I feel are most pressing for our anger:
- hunger and poverty - sweatshops - inequality - restricting laws - corporations reigning control over everything - money being the motive behind any action - cruelty

There are plenty more things I'm sure, but these sprang to mind first.

In the past couple of years I have had to learn the very hard lessons about how life is not fair in the slightest, how humanity has bureaucratised every action to record and ultimately control it. Right now you're on the internet, the biggest technological linking system in the world for free speech and communication. However everything else in life involves you having to be a number on a list, to surrender to terms and conditions, to be forced to have to pay companies for things you need to live. I understand to create and sustain a society there needs to be organisation and funding to make it work, but how come so many things get ballsed up?

For example, when we moved last November to here, our new agency wrote to the council telling them we were the new tenents and we needed to be charged council tax accordingly. Luckily I went down in person to check all was correct, and it turns out that although they had added us as the new occupiers of the flat, they had not realised that we were no longer at our old address, and so were going to charge us for both places! Imagine the hassle of having to get a refund on that...

But my complaint: can strong negative emotions actually get us anywhere helpful these days? By making a stand but not causing damage or breaking the law; by fighting the authorities but not getting ground down into dusty numbers to keep them tidy as our voice is filed along with everyone else's "feedback" and ultimately ignored; by keeping people having the stamina to carry the cause until it is fixed. How many of us have given to a charity, but only for a while? Or decided to avoid a certain company's business because we don't agree with how the operate? Or giving up something for a stand? I know I have done all of those.

But I am so tired. Weariness comes after anger. I couldn't afford my own keep, so I had to stop donating money regularly to charities. I could not afford to buy clothes from only reliable Fair Trade sources, or the products I needed were made by companies who perhaps practised unethical methods. I missed bacon.

I am only human. At least I get comfort in knowing God will help me whenever I get angry and He can help me really do something about it. Whatever that may be. I've got a while to find it.

Finally visited Bristol

I had to do something for the very first time today...

Work sent me on a training day in Bristol as part of my induction to the company. I had until today never taken a train journey alone before, let alone to a city I'd never been to either.

Oddly enough I wasn't too scared by it. It was more a healthy kind of nervous/excited about getting on with something important that I needed to learn to do. Perhaps surprisingly everything went to plan, I got to Bristol fine, even found the right bus and found the store too!

I also did lots of training and learnt a lot but as I've been running off of about 5-6 hours sleep after a long day right at this moment I've forgotten it all. Luckily I do remember already knowing a lot about it as it was an introduction to optics but I felt for some of the others who were totally new to the whole area! It was a lot to take in even for those of us who have several years experience.

But I get a lie-in tomorrow... Nice.

Also - quite proud with myself for finally making the journey despite my fears and doubts about travelling. Oh yes, new stage of adulthood reached!

Royal Marines Commando...?

This morning was watching TV and saw the advert for Royal Marines Commando and it got me thinking... a small part of me had a sudden desire to be part of a team, to have no fear and to be the best you can physically be.

And then the majority of my brain jolted back and reminded me that actually, I didn't want to be part of the military, to be under command in situations that would cause me too much moral dilemma. And then I thought some more...

Why is there part of me desperate to have what is considered a 'career'? Back when I was in school and then sixth form, teachers and staff were often trying to persuade us to do certain things as it would help us in the long run when it came to trying to get a job. And a 'decent job'. But they never seemed to actually discuss jobs or jobhunting in detail: what are 'executives' or 'CEOs' or 'managers' or 'consultants' or all the other names of jobs you see when you search for work? They don't mean much to me, it's what the actual work that's needed that makes the job, right?

My generation seems to have been disillusioned about the whole thing. When I was in school, I achieved a lot and got good results. When it started to get a bit harder at A level, I dropped out and ended up starting Year 12 again elsewhere, this time in a better place and managed to get respectable results. All through this I was constantly told how high my generation would achieve and we could do anything, and if we were to consider university we were almost guaranteed a job afterwards as a degree showed we had applied ourselves and therefore looked better to employers.

Unfortunately mid-way through my degree the Recession hit and suddenly there were fewer jobs and it was harder for anyone to get work. Education was not as important as experience. And having no experience people weren't interested in taking a gamble on a newbie.

All the promises of working hard to get you somewhere impressive seem to have crumbled into dust. So there I was, uni graduate with an effectively useless degree and no profession or job. Since finishing my education I have worked in SIX different jobs, including my current one. I know I'm hardly unique in this situation, but it often feels like I haven't really achieved much of any use. The job I've just got is actually the same one I had when I was a teenager living at home, just in a new place and more hours.

But wait:

It's so hard to get work these days. I'm testament to that. To find a job I like/ can do and to get even considered or a response from a company is a rarity, so to have actually got this job something must have gone right. Maybe not everything is a total waste of time.

So my A levels and degree may not be the reasons I was hired, but do I regret doing them? No. I learned a lot studying, both academic and in the bigger picture of life. In sixth form I learned to look at the world differently and finally got to enjoy the social side of school with friends. At uni I learned some life skills (from being a bit more diplomatic to cooking and washing clothes!) as well as having 2 guilt-free years to investigate and practice a craft I love. No, I'm not doing it much these days, though perhaps this blog might be a step towards it.

And career? Why does it have to be something exclusive to something I have earned so far? I am young, have plenty of life to live and experience. Besides, I don't actually know what I want to do yet. I'll grow up a bit first and find out along the way.