Christmas time

Christmas Eve - we did something a bit different and went with Tom's mum to a carol service. It was held at a church in her village which is shared by the Catholics and Anglicans. The service itself was meant to be about 30 mins before leading into mass (which we weren't attending) but it was a very strange experience for me. Tom's mum is Catholic and Tom was raised as one (though he is an atheist) so they were more used to the customs which were completely alien to me. People kneeled to the alter before sitting down; the songs were all old-fashioned and some had Latin in them; there were icons of Jesus everywhere. No incense though. I am determined to get back into a church group soon but I am quite sure I won't become Catholic! I just felt they place such a huge emphasis on the extra elements of religion rather than the core message of Jesus.

Well we had a great Christmas day just us two; cooked roast pork and watched DVDs of Lee Evans and Queen documentary. One of my presents to Tom was a wooden mead flagon and he drank out of nothing but that all day! It's now stained a bit pink from the cider, but at least he's getting use out of it. Tom's main gift to me was a membership to the RSPB so now we can go bird watching around the country (trips and transport willing of course) but I was so touched I cried a little! We also popped to Chloe's for a couple of hours in the evening which was peaceful.

I was back at work over the bank holiday but now enjoying a couple of days off before back to work again. At least I get NYD off and we're going to the races (we only live 10 mins walk so be rude not to!)

I'm hoping and praying things will be improving in the new year for us. It feels like this year has been a real struggle, for things perhaps of our own making and many things we couldn't control, so I really want things to settle down and get better soon. The idea of running away and living in a remote commune grows ever-tempting though it seems a bit impractical. 

Health and Holidays

I'm getting some blood tests next week to determine whether I have anything in addition to possible (and quite likely) IBS. After all the stress of this year it seems my health has taken a bit of a battering and has manifested itself in the form of making me feel sick and sore. As a result I've been losing weight on and off (I don't know the figures as I don't actually own a set of scales) but I'm hoping with some treatment from a doctor I will see an improvement.

Anyway, as the date shows we are very close to Christmas. I'm actually getting a little excited! I am a Scrooge but only because I get sick of all the commercialism that surrounds the weeks/ months leading up to the day itself. We put our tree up on Monday and it's nice to have it brightening the room up, and this evening it's got a variety of gifts from my family underneath. I am just looking forward to spending the day with Tom, having a meal and sharing a few presents.

Let's hope Jesus' birthday celebrations go well this year; it's nice when people get together and have a wonderful time.

If I don't comment on here before, merry Christmas to everyone!

Guitar

Yet MORE bad news today - Tom unfortunately wasn't successful for a job he'd been interviewed for, so now he's back to job hunting again.

Times are hard. I know they could be harder, and we need to count our blessings, but not knowing how we shall get by in the next few weeks is pretty scary.

Things may be changing at my work soon but I'll have to see over the next few weeks if anything will happen.

A strange symbol of these situations is still lurking away in my life: my guitar.

No, I don't play it. I had a teenage dream of becoming a rock star, and when it turned out practicing and playing was something that didn't come naturally I typically gave up. I know I won't take it up again (I don't think my fingers are flexible enough either!) but I still have the guitar my dad bought for me. Over the past few years it's been something that I've had to consider selling on several occasions when money has been tight.

Yet it is still here, still in the corner somewhere gathering dust. I've not yet got to the stage where I've actually had to put together a transaction for it. Perhaps this is a symbol of some security and reassurance of getting me through things.

This time of year again

I am a bit of a Scrooge, I won't lie. It's a bit weird trying to explain to people how that as a Christian I don't like the celebration, but it's the commercialism I despise.

Christmas is on Dec 25th, not October or November. I refuse to follow the trend of having to spend a load of money on crap that you wouldn't dream of buying any other time of the year. Retailers rack in a huge profit (or not?) and then people queue up to get everything they didn't receive in the Boxing Day sales.

If you mention things like Jesus or going to Church on Christmas Day people seem to lose interest. Many people seem to have completely detached the Christian celebration from the orgy of food and gifts.

I also want to suck out more of the fun by pointing out that a lot of the rituals surrounding Christmas (including the time of year) were pagan in origin! I know that when the Christians came over they basically told the native pagans that they were taking their New Year/ Yule (I forget which though no doubt someone out there may correct me) and turning it into the birthday of their saviour.

Whilst the topic of 'invasion'/ missionaries etc. can be left for another day, my point still stands that Christmas has been ruined by the commercial and consumerist nature of the modern world in this country.

This year I shall be spending the day with Tom at home, eating food and playing games and trying to enjoy the day itself rather than have planned meticulously for weeks in advance and spend money I really don't have!

Mum's surprise 50th

It's Sunday and we're back in Chelt after spending the weekend with my parents. I had the entire week booked as holiday months ago knowing it's Mum's birthday, but my sister decided to throw her a surprise party! We could only come down for a couple of days as Tom still needs his dressings to be changed by a nurse every other day or so.

Saturday we spend seeing my sister's new house (bought but not yet moved in, I'm told it can take a while due to lots of dull reasons) and then we secretly helped her set up. At her place she even painted my nails sparkly blue much to my delight! So pretty! We had a sneaky curry then headed back home to Mum to get ready for the 'meal' we'd told her had been arranged.

En route we 'found out' the table had been delayed, and "oh look Michelle is outside of this social club, so we should really have a quick drink in here!" and led Mum through the building to a room where we'd assembled about 40 guests for her surprise. Went off without a hitch, and she didn't suspect a thing! She was thoroughly chuffed and really enjoyed herself. It was a lovely evening catching up with a few family members I didn't really remember and some family friends I did. And we ended the night putting the helium in the balloons to good use!

Home now after a tense journey (I needed a wee for the best part of an hour whilst we were stuck behind a slow car and a lorry) and back to our own maturity zone - organising our dinner, feeding lizards (Chloe had been taking care of them in our absence)... It's strange but nice coming home to our own place and feeling like we're the adults instead of the kids. Also I never sleep well at M&D's though that has ALWAYS been the case, even when I lived there. Something odd about that house... I think I miss Cheltenham more than I realise when I'm away from it; Bicester doesn't hold many charms to draw us back and the friends I have here make this town more of a home to us.

Back to work Tuesday for a long stretch of either five or six days. Can't say I'm massively looking forward to it, but hopefully things will be busy and run smoothly.

Bad Taste...

Not too sure why, but had a Simply Red song stuck in my head earlier, and with the invention of YouTube I have progressed from playing that song to playing more of them.

I don't even like Simply Red. I think Mick Hucknell looks like a leather puppet.

Maybe this is a lesson in being too black/ white? You can still listen to a few songs even if it's for nostalgia rather than loving the band.

But I still don't like Green Day!!

Negative/ Positives of the year so far.

So as we are in November I look back and think, "What a crap year." [At least the Rapture missed us; I was worried it might ruin my birthday.]

OK, so not everything was horrific, but overall this year can be summed up in the following adjectives: difficult, stressful, frustrating, unfortunate. We have struggled with money, health, relationships and employment.

We started the year with me in a new job and Tom continuing in the same one; living in our still-new flat, with some ambitions and hope that with us both working full time we might be able to start having more of a life outside of having to wrestle to get anywhere.

Yeah, obviously that didn't quite work out. The taxman ruined me so for the first 5 months of the year I was only taking home a fraction of my wages; we gained and lost pets in different ways; we had to spend more time in hospitals and GP surgeries than I care to think about.

I support the concept of taxes but not the action of leaving me unable to pay even my rent and council tax. Bastards.

I had hoped to get round to sorting out driving but now with the car stolen (not sure if mentioned but someone towed our car and no-one knows who) and no spare cash the lessons and tests will have to wait again.

I haven't even had my hair cut since last year! But that's OK as I'm starting to like it a bit longer.

OK, maybe not too long...

So yes, things have been supremely terrible. But the positives:

- This year Tom's lung condition was finally figured out and he has come through his operation
- Rusty is thriving (into a little bugger but you can't have everything) and Bruce is in a better place than the shop we got him from
- I still have my job
- My sister got engaged and is getting married next year
- We still have our flat and it is still our home for now
- I've read a lot more than I've managed in recent years

Right at this moment in time all I can do is try and stay positive. It's the hardest thing in the world and at times like this I have faith as I cannot possibly be coping all on my own. One thing I feel I have 'failed' this year is growing my faith, but even though some things feel distant I think the fact we carry on is God's doing more than our own.

Things I want to say (but perhaps don't)

It's not fair. Nothing is.

I deserve more than this. Why don't I get a better deal with life?

Why are businesses and societies and governments so obsessed with numbers? People are dying from starvation and abuse around the world and you are too busy dealing with some other kinds of drama you all created.

I love him like I've loved no other.

I wish I wasn't scared of everything. I wish I was stronger.

Some of the most important people in my life may not realise how much I value them. I hope they know I do, even if I lack the grace and co-ordination to express it properly.

No one did anything bad to me but the horrors of my childhood and teens can rear up at any time. It's no one's fault, but there is no guarantee I won't let the cycle repeat and that puts me off becoming a parent.

I think I'm ready for some change.

I don't want him to join the RAF. I don't want to lose him like that. But if he does join I'll support him every step of the way.

Friend, when did you forget about me? Was it my fault, or yours?

Don't leave me here alone.

Talk to me with some manners. I'm sure you learnt some at one point.

You are great in the mornings and I am not. If you won't be more accommodating to that fact then leave me alone and let me just get on with it.

I still miss little Douglas.

Somehow encouraged, but life sucks

To have a recap of the current situation:

Tom had an operation last Saturday and is at home recovering. Through the recovery though is a lot of pain, discomfort, anxiety and frustration. At the moment his body is not working properly as it tries to right itself after a big interruption to the norm. Hopefully in a few weeks the pain will have eased off and most of the healing will have occurred. Obviously it may take months for him to regain his original level of fitness and strength but only waiting will make it happen.

Actually a fairly accurate representation of the general mood right now.

Also he is looking for work but currently cannot attend any interviews until he is physically strong enough to get back on his feet and go out alone.

Due to all of this money is (as usual) very tight, with this month having some grace from family to help us cover all the bases. There's always some small financial thing that pops up we have forgotten about like a phone bill, so parents helping us is much appreciated.

Seems we're in the same situation as a lot of people; young, in the wrong work positions, low income, independently living a very non-extravagant lifestyle but the money just about covers things. This month I cannot afford to have any driving lessons, and with all the stress of the last few weeks I've barely speculated doing my theory. Lack of regularity with this sort of thing makes progress frustratingly slow and so I am struggling to see myself behind a wheel unsupervised in the realistic future. [Not that we have a car to drive any more.]


Yet somehow I cannot totally lose hope. There is a promise somewhere that things will improve. Things are tough everywhere at the moment in terms of economy and profession. I'm part of a qualified but inexperienced generation who grew up with big ideas and have had them squashed.

Forget the practical problems for a moment though; I know that one day things in all parts of our lives will be better. A lot better.

I have faith in that. But need the strength and patience to get to that point whenever it arrives.

Recovery

Tom had his operation on Saturday morning and has been doing well since coming out of theatre. We went to see him on Sat evening and he was a bit groggy but awake. So far today it seems he will have the drainage tube removed from under his arm and if all is ok then he should be allowed home tomorrow, which I'm obviously thrilled about!

It's a strange conflict you feel when someone you love has a health problem like this. In this modern age of medicine and healthcare your chances of success have never been higher, but there is always a potential for things to not quite go to plan. Despite the medical knowledge of Tom's condition and the operation itself being fairly routine and straightforward, you are still prone to worry about things going wrong.

Waiting at the hospital and hearing the original op had been cancelled as things in previous surgeries that day had not gone to plan is a bit nerve-racking even though I think the complications weren't too serious. As another patient said, having the op cancelled was annoying but it must be so much worse for the person on the table.

So now if everything has worked as intended he should be home and spending the next few weeks resting to get his muscles and lungs functioning normally. (Unfortunately) I get too look after him and I'm no nurse...!