Is Anger OK?

I suddenly thought about how my generation may be described (amongst other things) as perhaps a very angry generation. We see the things around us that are wrong, and we get angry about that. This is a good thing.

Lame example of a society's anger: the woman who put the cat in the wheelie bin. Look how much attention that got, and how viciously angry (rightfully in my opinion) we got as a nation.

But what about other things? What about the issues I feel are most pressing for our anger:
- hunger and poverty - sweatshops - inequality - restricting laws - corporations reigning control over everything - money being the motive behind any action - cruelty

There are plenty more things I'm sure, but these sprang to mind first.

In the past couple of years I have had to learn the very hard lessons about how life is not fair in the slightest, how humanity has bureaucratised every action to record and ultimately control it. Right now you're on the internet, the biggest technological linking system in the world for free speech and communication. However everything else in life involves you having to be a number on a list, to surrender to terms and conditions, to be forced to have to pay companies for things you need to live. I understand to create and sustain a society there needs to be organisation and funding to make it work, but how come so many things get ballsed up?

For example, when we moved last November to here, our new agency wrote to the council telling them we were the new tenents and we needed to be charged council tax accordingly. Luckily I went down in person to check all was correct, and it turns out that although they had added us as the new occupiers of the flat, they had not realised that we were no longer at our old address, and so were going to charge us for both places! Imagine the hassle of having to get a refund on that...

But my complaint: can strong negative emotions actually get us anywhere helpful these days? By making a stand but not causing damage or breaking the law; by fighting the authorities but not getting ground down into dusty numbers to keep them tidy as our voice is filed along with everyone else's "feedback" and ultimately ignored; by keeping people having the stamina to carry the cause until it is fixed. How many of us have given to a charity, but only for a while? Or decided to avoid a certain company's business because we don't agree with how the operate? Or giving up something for a stand? I know I have done all of those.

But I am so tired. Weariness comes after anger. I couldn't afford my own keep, so I had to stop donating money regularly to charities. I could not afford to buy clothes from only reliable Fair Trade sources, or the products I needed were made by companies who perhaps practised unethical methods. I missed bacon.

I am only human. At least I get comfort in knowing God will help me whenever I get angry and He can help me really do something about it. Whatever that may be. I've got a while to find it.

Finally visited Bristol

I had to do something for the very first time today...

Work sent me on a training day in Bristol as part of my induction to the company. I had until today never taken a train journey alone before, let alone to a city I'd never been to either.

Oddly enough I wasn't too scared by it. It was more a healthy kind of nervous/excited about getting on with something important that I needed to learn to do. Perhaps surprisingly everything went to plan, I got to Bristol fine, even found the right bus and found the store too!

I also did lots of training and learnt a lot but as I've been running off of about 5-6 hours sleep after a long day right at this moment I've forgotten it all. Luckily I do remember already knowing a lot about it as it was an introduction to optics but I felt for some of the others who were totally new to the whole area! It was a lot to take in even for those of us who have several years experience.

But I get a lie-in tomorrow... Nice.

Also - quite proud with myself for finally making the journey despite my fears and doubts about travelling. Oh yes, new stage of adulthood reached!

Royal Marines Commando...?

This morning was watching TV and saw the advert for Royal Marines Commando and it got me thinking... a small part of me had a sudden desire to be part of a team, to have no fear and to be the best you can physically be.

And then the majority of my brain jolted back and reminded me that actually, I didn't want to be part of the military, to be under command in situations that would cause me too much moral dilemma. And then I thought some more...

Why is there part of me desperate to have what is considered a 'career'? Back when I was in school and then sixth form, teachers and staff were often trying to persuade us to do certain things as it would help us in the long run when it came to trying to get a job. And a 'decent job'. But they never seemed to actually discuss jobs or jobhunting in detail: what are 'executives' or 'CEOs' or 'managers' or 'consultants' or all the other names of jobs you see when you search for work? They don't mean much to me, it's what the actual work that's needed that makes the job, right?

My generation seems to have been disillusioned about the whole thing. When I was in school, I achieved a lot and got good results. When it started to get a bit harder at A level, I dropped out and ended up starting Year 12 again elsewhere, this time in a better place and managed to get respectable results. All through this I was constantly told how high my generation would achieve and we could do anything, and if we were to consider university we were almost guaranteed a job afterwards as a degree showed we had applied ourselves and therefore looked better to employers.

Unfortunately mid-way through my degree the Recession hit and suddenly there were fewer jobs and it was harder for anyone to get work. Education was not as important as experience. And having no experience people weren't interested in taking a gamble on a newbie.

All the promises of working hard to get you somewhere impressive seem to have crumbled into dust. So there I was, uni graduate with an effectively useless degree and no profession or job. Since finishing my education I have worked in SIX different jobs, including my current one. I know I'm hardly unique in this situation, but it often feels like I haven't really achieved much of any use. The job I've just got is actually the same one I had when I was a teenager living at home, just in a new place and more hours.

But wait:

It's so hard to get work these days. I'm testament to that. To find a job I like/ can do and to get even considered or a response from a company is a rarity, so to have actually got this job something must have gone right. Maybe not everything is a total waste of time.

So my A levels and degree may not be the reasons I was hired, but do I regret doing them? No. I learned a lot studying, both academic and in the bigger picture of life. In sixth form I learned to look at the world differently and finally got to enjoy the social side of school with friends. At uni I learned some life skills (from being a bit more diplomatic to cooking and washing clothes!) as well as having 2 guilt-free years to investigate and practice a craft I love. No, I'm not doing it much these days, though perhaps this blog might be a step towards it.

And career? Why does it have to be something exclusive to something I have earned so far? I am young, have plenty of life to live and experience. Besides, I don't actually know what I want to do yet. I'll grow up a bit first and find out along the way.

Right, that works then

I hate technology. Computers are so damn complicated. I know how to use them (obviously otherwise you wouldn't be able to see this) but anything more sophisticated than finding a webpage or turning it off and on again tends to perplex me slightly... it's one of the occasions that I have to totally rely on Tom's skills and trust he's set everything up right.

Anyway, this page is officially up and running!

Currently I am stuck at home on my sofa where the cushions like to move around beneath you. I'm here because I'm ill, otherwise I would be at work. I only started my job last week and on Sunday I started coming down with  something and then I was diagnosed 'ill' and have missed work all this week. Actually that's not entirely true, I did go to work this morning. And I was feeling pretty good too considering I'd been in bed practically all day Monday. But by 10am my new-found recovery rebounded and I had to choose between staying at work near the toilets all day for fear of, well, you can guess, or go home and be miserable and contagious in my own comfort. Mind you, the 20 min walk home was pretty tense as I prayed that I wouldn't have a funny turn on the way...

Thankfully I am home safe, dignity nearly intact. I have whiled away the day in my pyjamas and continued to tidy up the flat a bit more. Too ill to be at work, but not so weak I'm confined to bed. It's really frustrating and also BORING. I'm saving the washing up for later (yeah, right) but I've sorted out laundry and even polished the coffee table.

My only other source of entertainment apart from daytime TV (and the only thing worth watching are Gilmore Girls and Scrubs re-runs) is Rusty going a bit nuts. Rusty is our baby bearded dragon, who even after being in the same glass tank since September, still can't figure out why that pesky lizard he can see at one end of it can't be caught. Basically, lizards are stupid and don't understand reflections. I have seen him display some impressive jumping skills earlier as he moved from ground to ledge, from ledge to side, then an undignified flop back down to ground, but he's too determined to let the reflection be.

He's also been puffing his neck out at me today, though I think that was because he has been shedding his old skin today and it might help somehow. I prefer that idea than he's decided to start getting aggressive to me. He's only just forgiven me for trying to get him to have a bath a few weeks ago...

So on this miserable January day, where the skies really have darkened and the rain sounds trickly from the kitchen end and slow thumping drops from the lounge window (must be the piping etc on the different walls outside) at least I am in a warm dry flat for my pains and grumbles. Another problem with being sick/ lazy is that although you get plenty of time to think, you lack the strength or motivation to do much. Right now, I'm lacking in company. Tom finished work soon and will be back, and happy as that makes me I also know this means the loud music will start and he'll want the laptop I'm using.

Perhaps I should have bought the Steig Larsson trilogy when I had the chance. I'd be ploughing through them today!

Another Beginning

I've kept a blog before. And a diary. Many people have. Except that I tend to let them drop off and die quite quickly so they become useless within a few weeks. So, I'm trying yet again.


Since I've moved away from my parents and have really started setting up a new life for me here I thought it might actually be worthwhile starting a new blog so that friends from near and far can see what is going on in a (little) bit of detail. My old blog was started in my teens and trailed off at somepoint when I finished uni, and with it being the beginning of a new year it seemed appropriate timing to start afresh with all that's going on.


Right, so another attempt at keeping a log of life (not counting Facebook status updates) in perhaps a more grown-up manner this time. Let's have a go...