Something sickly

I told Tom earlier that I didn't really need anything for Christmas, because he had already given me everything I need. Aww...

Family

I'm just this minute having a near-epiphany about family. I realise how much I value all my family members and how much I miss them.

Last weekend Tom and I trekked up to Blackpool for his grandmother's 70th birthday. Tom's family from Cheltenham were there too, as well as all the locals. It was the first time I'd see all of the siblings and cousins together before, and it was brilliant. The next occasion will probably not be until the wedding next year.

Now these people are also going to be my family, and I can't wait for that! I am going to be married to Tom and both sides will come together and I'll kind of be leaving my family but not really. [Enough lovey sloppiness]

What's also caught my attention a bit is that I have some old friends from years past who once were very close to me, and time has meant we've drifted apart. But there was also a lack of effort on both parts, and now I wonder how I feel. Some of them haven't ever met Tom, who is now a huge part of my present and my future. They've moved on, they are much more popular and busy than I am and they don't seem to have time for me. Likewise I have other commitments and social groups and not sure how things would fit together in this world.

Also, on a political note, can you exclude these people from the big events in your life? Tricky.

Superstitions

Just grabbed lunch from a cafe down the road, and noticed that if you wanted to avoid walking on the cracks, Cheltenham is really not a good place to be.

There are paving stones everywhere, and because nowhere here is actually flat, most of the slabs are cracked and though functional, not tessellating.

The other day I briefly had a chat to someone about superstitions. I'm surprised at the number of people I've met (especcially 'rational' ones) who won't walk over drains. Now I said that I avoid walking under ladders but for the reason that they may well slip of something could easily fall off from them, whereas the drain covers are designed to be walked on. Obviously if one's fallen into disrepair then yes, avoid it. But what else is there to be worried about?

I also had a huge argument (really a heated discussion but I won't deny there was a bit of name-calling) the other day with someone about religion. Yay. I was trying to explain to them that even if they themselves don't believe in anything, there are positives people gain from beliefs and also it isn't ok to go around dictating to others that they should and shouldn't believe something. And that you can share something with people even if they don't have the same attitudes as you. This person just couldn't get that, but we agreed to just let it go before too many black eyes were exchanged.

Back on the spirit of tolerance, I've been making Christmas cookies! They're meant to have holes pierced in each of them so you can hang them on a tree but our tree is already crammed and I don't see the point wasting time using food as decoration when it can be eaten!

It's been a while

So it's now December, the tree is up (thanks, Jo) and we have spent more money than we should have on hopefully beloved gifts.

Tom managed a whole month without shaving his moustache through November, albeit creating a blonde 'tash and ginger chin. But I'm proud that he managed it!

Work is going well. Just over a month ago I was making a few silly mistakes but it seems I have managed to avoid being too cocky and repeated them (mostly) which is progress. I'm a proud soul and hate being corrected or disciplined in any way so although I do need to be chastised once in a while I don't like it! But eventually I'll get it together.

We've been seeing a lot of my family recently, which is always nice, and this weekend coming we're heading up to Blackpool to see some of Tom's relations. But my folks should be visiting us on Christmas day.

Also, today my nails are all sparkly and my hair is amazingly smooth!

Not dead, just lazy with updates

So the crunchy leaves have become slippery mush, all grassy areas have become muddy, Tewkesbury is getting nervous and the rest of us are tired of wind, rain, cold, rain and more bloody rain. Weather is crap and we're all getting the pre-Christmas blues.

However last week the guys in the office got bored and put up the decorations. We now have the saddest plastic tree is existence which is actually shedding pins and a stubborn piece of tinsel which would not stay attached to the door frame. But hey, it's gaudy enough to make you smile!

Relationships

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the relationships in our lives and how we behave within them. My most prominent relationship at the moment is probably with Tom, as we’re a couple and we are actively making the plans for our relationship’s future, but we each have our own connections and relationships with other people.

I am enjoying a new active relationship with Jesus, if I may phrase it that way. It’s been enriching to become part of a church again, and one that is rather different from my previous church experiences. It’s more traditional, perhaps less hierarchal, and there’s more “sit-stand-sit-stand” which gives my legs a break from going to sleep. Also individual silver shot glasses for communion wine which tickles me!

But witnessing others’ relationships around me can be enlightening and heart-warming, as well as difficult and upsetting. I recently watched a loved one have a big argument with some family members over their treatment of a mutual relation, which resulted in both arguers cutting off immediate contact with each other and a lot of internal misery (at least at the end I was with) which breaks my heart. How can we cause so much pain to one another?

I’m not at all innocent in these issues; those who were around during my teens may remember a bad-tempered girl who was constantly fighting her mother and giving her grief and struggling with her peers. I can’t swear to being a totally reformed character but I hope I value people more and show them – even if I have to live fifty miles away from mum to have that! And even then we can still piss each other off.

So in the back of my mind the horrible truth that one day whatever offspring I  product will come to hate me in turn too. Great.

But back to the here and now. Family should not be divided over money and power. Neither should couples. Or friends. We are all human at the end of the day, so the only real resentment I think can harbour is the acts which hurt each other. And we should try to not do many of those too.

From leaves to streams

Left the house to go to church this morning and found the roads into the village had become small rivers with cars splashing several feet of water up each side whenever they managed to drive past. Hmm. 

Well, meeting called off as it was unsafe and more than a bit wet out, so I spent the day home sitting about most of the time, which we all know is one of my favourite past times.

But it summed up a weekend which has been good considering so little has gone to plan...

Sat my parents came up to us with the intentions of going shopping, getting me to try my wedding dress again with the rest of the ensemble, and then a meal at the pub with Tom's parents before heading to a fireworks display.

Meal times had to be rearranged, then cancelled, but we got to cook my folks a roast (which was actually delicious it must be said). However it was chucking it down all day so no town, and no fireworks. But we did brave a trip to a pub for a pint and conversation, which somehow mostly ended up being about snakes, much to my mother's displeasure.

So now it's the evening, the waters have finally drained away and Tom and I managed to have a dry walk to the shop and back so now we have the staples of bread, milk and halloween-themed creme eggs. I also booked tomorrow off purely because I decided I don't like that Sunday evening feeling of back-to-work-tomorrow so am delaying it for a day. Ah, procrastination!

Leaves

One thing this week I loved: walking through piles of nice dry leaves. So childish, so much fun! Crispy crunchy swishy noises....

Socks

Why is it things start needing to be replaced when you have no money?

At the moment my big problem is socks. I can never have enough of them. As I write this at work (I've finished for the day) I am wearing one short one from a set decorated with owls - very classy - and the left foot has a random Christmas one belonging to Tom. I am becoming that crazy person who hunts down a viable pair (not matching, just similar lengths and elasticity) and finding about a million rags which slide constantly down your ankles to sit about the gaping hole of your heel. And toe holes; worst things ever! Hate them.

Everything about this picture is wrong.

It's the sad reality of needing to do more washing, but trying to get cycles done when you are drying things in your flat in autumn/ winter takes ages. And thus the sock shortage commences and hasn't ended yet. Thankfully I have lots of pants so that's not an issue.

I've also needed some more shoes recently. I hate shoe shopping with a passion. I'm one of these people who will only wear shoes they can walk in and feel remotely comfortable, so for my trips to and from work each day I need shoes that will survive. My walking boots have pretty much bitten the dust and now let the water IN, and my other work-friendly shoes aren't quite comfy enough to powerwalk 4 miles in. Mum found a pair of boots which she gave to me last week, and nice as they are I am now realising I need longer socks with them because they really cling to my calves and warm everything up. Nice!

So as I sit here trying to figure out if I can go enough places sockless this weekend (no) until payday and scratching my sweaty calves, I'm regreting all the rubbish I may have spent my money on this month before I realised my clothes would disintergrate around me. I also want to get some silicone bakeware - very rock n' roll, I know. But I'm actually enjoying having a go at baking recently. It would seem sometimes cakes can work even if it's me making them.

CWP, wedding crap, zzzzzzzzzzzz

Oh yeah, I still have a blog to write. Ahem...

So after that last post I felt an immense release, like all the grief it was about was lifted. Suddenly things were all ok again. On a practical note, we have booked our reception venue and reserved the chapel for the wedding, so the rest of the stuff can be done in the new year. No more wedding stress for a few months!

Work has been rather relaxed recently. I have been mostly finishing my work by early afternoon and spend the rest of the day reading/ dicking around on the computer and demolishing any jobs that get given to me. It's nice to be in a place like that. Also I make a lot of awesome cuppas so people are happy.

Last weekend my parents came up on Saturday so Mum could make us walk around the shops in the rain and buy something she didn't travel fifty miles for (a lucky find though) and we took them to the pub where we are having our wedding reception and they were suitably impressed. A quickish drive (Dad) back to Bicester for a nice curry in the Jaflong and then on Sunday we did the Plowman regular at the Cotswold Wildlife Park. True to our word we took pictures of the penguins for Jo, as well as pictures of everything else. I think we have more photos than the Park archives itself...

We put this as Jo's Facebook profile pic just so she wouldn't miss it.

One of my many fetching hats, it was cold!

One thing we're all complaining of this week is being tired. No one I know seems to have slept well recently, and we're putting it down to the seasons changing. I accidentally overslept this morning thanks to my alarm being a twat and got extra sleep, though I was half and hour late, oops.

Anyway I need to go and buy more food for the lizards and fight temptation to leave Pets At Home with all the baby bearded dragons...

A Quick Confession

With my job one of the things I have to do is plot inception dates on a calendar, as opposed to just typing it in.

There are always a few dates that will be lodged in our minds. Sometimes they are more apparent at certain points of the year.

But for me, every time I look at the calendar on my work computer I always think of 21st May 2005.

She's been on my mind a fair bit lately, I'm not sure why.

One thing at the moment I could really use is her advice. I'm so excited about getting married and keep getting marred in all the details. I could use a close female friend who watched me through the years and should be helping me and sharing in everything right now.

I wish she was here looking through all this with me.

I wish she could meet Tom.

I wish.

October already

And don't it feel it? Weather is horrible - very wet and windy recently and the temperature has really dropped too. What is beautiful is the grass is still striking green, and all the brown and red shades of leaves dropping onto them make a dazzling carpet. Even the mushroom by the wall is starting to die off, which is pleasing Tom.

I did learn today that you can apparently train magpies to speak, so need to get me a magpie and check this!

Life is going ok, work is alright, I'm still very attached to being in bed though. Getting up is a massive challenge. But what's new in that camp?

Church

Last Sunday I went to a church service for the first time since Easter. I just went down to the local United Reformed Church, a small building a few mins from my flat. Seeing as I need some motivation I decided to find away around using "town is too far away" as a reason to not go, and I'm so glad I did.

Some funny things:

I was the second-youngest person there. Most of the congregation were, let's say, about or above retirement age. This is not a problem at all, I love old people! But there were some very confused faces when I explained I was actually 24, not a teenager, and getting married next year, haha.

The church is small and they don't have a service every week due to spreading out the leaders in the other connected churches. As the one this week is a bit farther away I might give it a miss, but will be back when the service is local again.

They were such a nice lot, it was really good to be in such a lovely group again. The place was more old-fashioned than I'd imagined - the building is like an old village hall that desperately needs repainting, and there is an electric organ played for music. But I didn't mind any of this. It was warm, dry (very important last Sunday, and most days since) and the atmosphere was fantastic.

Praise the Lord!

Musings throughout the day

I was thinking in a very loud internal narrative this morning as I walked to work. Not really about anything in particular, more the walk itself.

We all walk to and from work each day, each way being about 1.8 miles according to Google Maps (though that doesn't include the walk across the field by our building because Google can't do that). Each way takes about 30 mins or so, prob nearer 40 if you're an average-speed walker.

Thing is, much as I like having a bit of a walk, sometimes it gets a bit strenuous before a long day of work, and then the same on the return. Most of our route is comprised of a long main road from our bit of Cheltenham into the centre. It's deceptively long, and never fails to stun any locals when you say you walk in each day, but it's still only about a mile! Is that a fair walk? I don't know.

Thing is, when walking the morning commute, you start to notice regular happenings and some things that become habits. I always cross over at the same place along the main road. Why? Because it saves having to keep stopping at a load of driveways and sidestreets, and makes it easier to cross at the 5-exit roundabout. There's a garden with lovely flowers I always look forward to. Sometimes you see the same dog walkers and same foot-commuters going about their day.

There's also the morning annoyances.

School kids who have no idea of spacial awareness when it comes to sharing the pavement (usually the same ones who have scooters) and the parents who are apparently unaware that their little darlings are getting in people's way. Inconsiderate drivers who don't indicate (favourite hatred at the roundabout) or don't look before pulling out of a driveway. Dawdlers who take up the entire path and waddle s-l-o-w-l-y...

Anyway, my morning at work was extremely fuzzy - I felt really tired (probably from all the walking and weaving) and with some bits of my job being very repetitive, I could feel myself almost dozing off. Thankfully lunch and a coffee made the afternoon more bearable. The afternoon was an improvement and the mundane tasks finally got finished.

I got to thinking on my walk about a 'philosophy'/ perspective a counsellor once told me about. The idea is to focus on what you are doing at that very moment in time; in savouring and feeling everything right now instead of letting your thoughts wander. So I tried for a few moments; the noise of the cars, the feel of the wind, sweating inside my hoodie after a rigorous walk, the disappointingly soft leaves I stood on (too damp for crunchy leaves today). Not too sure it helped me in any way this morning but I wasn't really worrying or fretting about anything. I was tired. I had to get to work. I was just walking.

More wedding stuff

It has felt in recent times that our lives have been focussed around sorting out one day and sorting out big things like venues, and then arguing bitterly about everything to do with it. It had ended up feeling a lot less than an occasion of love and more of a massive chore verging on contemplating the single life...

Thankfully we've not killed or dumped each other just yet, and have agreed to stop fighting about things and be a bit more reasonable!

Today my mother and sister came up and we ended up getting me a dress! I'm not allowed to have it at my flat so I've got to be content with some pictures for now. Next step is sorting out the bridesmaids (groan).

I'm starting to want to look forward more to the wedding and to being married too, rather than fret too much about colours and shapes and decorations...!

Random news

As I opened Blogspot the heavens have opened and the rain we've been threatened with all day has arrived. Luckily I am indoors for the remainder of the night and get to stay dry, but I am really putting off having a much-needed shower. Purely because I've sat down and don't want to have to get up or get wet (sigh).

Anyway, bad jokes aside, things are going ok at the moment. The job is alright, sometimes very repetitive and boring but I have to keep reminding myself of how it used to be at the old place and feel grateful. It's interestingly quiet a lot of the time as my role doesn't involve too much phone work (praise God!) and so the silent concentration from my desk is generally punctuated by clicks and taps of mouse and keyboard, and the usual "Bollocks" whenever something goes askew. My sugar consumption has really gone through the roof though; with teas and coffees and I have taken to keeping a packet of polos on my desk to munch on. I have ordered some gum in the shopping so maybe that'll help. I do hate going to the dentist...

Also we are planning wedding stuff with what I like to think of as good efficiency. However this is Tom and I so what we call progress most other people probably see as just starting something then having a rest. But we have some venues lined up to book for viewing as well as eventually sorting out the ceremony. There is a guest list in progress and the bridesmaids can still fight to the death to get the dress the winner wants (Chloe?)

I'm starting to adjust to having weekends back. It's lovely to have time to spend with Tom again, though the five-day chunk is still taking some getting used to. We get to do nice boring couply things together like wedding planning, lie-ins, and bathing the lizards. We also muse about the future; near and far. I still haven't convinced him about not picking our kids' names just yet, hopefully he'll relent a little when the time comes. (I got my way with the pets!)

"Hi!"

Puns of the week

Thursday
"Circles are pointless"

Friday
"Atheism is a non-prophet organisation"

Saturday
"Stop writing sexy prescriptions to women for 'Deeznutz'"

Sunday
"Mushrooms get invited to parties because they are fungis" - this one earned me a 3/10 from James, Jo's brother.

Wedding decisions...

Just as we start making progress and make decisions and have ideas and get all excited, other things pop along for us to think about. Dear me, how did people used to get married before it became all expensive and showy? (Ok, I know it's always been showy to the rich classes but when did Joe and Jenny Bloggs have these delusions?)

We're viewing a church on the morrow (keeping it a secret!) and we've been looking at ideas for rings. This has sparked a debate: we're poor. Do we spend a huge amount of money on a ring each, the symbol of our marriage and devotion etc and struggle with costs, or just buy cheaper rings? My current idea is to get cheapish ones which we like, and as they get banged up or knackered throughout life - or realistically we may outgrow them as we age and get fatter - and when we have more money and chubbier digits we upgrade them. Always keeping the originals somewhere, of course.

I don't care if they look vintage, I think cluster rings are hideous.

It's just amazing how much a band of fancy metal can cost. Don't get me wrong, there are some gorgeous items out there, but I cannot justify having what is essentially a ceremony, a party, a dress and suit and some bling all for a ridiculous amount of money.

This is actually pretty cool...

Another thing which has reared its ugly head(s) are my bridesmaids. I have five, which deviated from the original plan of having none at all. They are spread around a bit and some haven't even met each other yet. I have no idea whether they'll all get on or not, nor does it bother me because they're all mature enough to BEHAVE themselves regardless.

But we need to start thinking about what they will be wearing, and what suits them and what they like and who will and won't wear whatever... I have come up with a brilliant idea to solve my part of stress and responsibility: Lock all five of them in a room and let them either 1) figure it out diplomatically, or 2) kill each other and let the victorious winner get whatever she wants.

Being an educated snob

My new job is going well so far. Though it is mainly data entry and I'm still learning as I go it is doing me good being in a new job and out of the old one.

Apart from working I have been ploughing through the Game of Thrones books (now onto the fourth, or the second part of the third book if you're feeling pedantic) and am impatiently waiting for the TV series to catch up and be released in the UK. I like the rich elements of story with the characters, and also there are dragons!

The funny thing is I have grown to assume everyone reads or has interests in the world etc. and I forget that's not the case. Whenever I meet new people and find they have a devotion to things I cannot begin to care about I end up finding it a bit strange - football, sex, drinking fifteen pints in one night etc. I can't help but wonder when I sit there and try and explain that I like reading and current affairs and socialism and ethics, not interested in going out much because it gets tedious... do I come across as a snob?

Like does tend to attract like, so we end up surrounding ourselves with people who revolve around similar things, so I can find it a bit difficult when we have to face other individuals who are so different in their views and lifestyles. It can make us uncomfortable and awkward. 

Not sure what the answer is. Patience, tolerance, acceptance seem the likely candidates though.

TGIF and TG in general: work and some religion.

Most of my posts have been rather short recently. I'm growing lazy. So here's some more words:

Life: So far I have completed my first full week in new job, and actually have a weekend! This is going to take come getting used to; the last time I had a Mon-Fri job was 2 years ago and I hated it. I loved Fri evening and Sat but dreaded Sun because it meant I had to go back to work the next day, and work was an absolute stress-depression misery hole. So let's hope things will be much better this time around! Actually, another counter-argument to the Mon-Fri anxiety is that I hated my last job which was always included working at least Sat. Hell, we may even get time for trips and things. Wow.

The new job is going well. It's not exactly the dream career or most exciting thing in the world but that's fine by me! I just need somewhere I can get on and feel comfortable so I can heal a bit and feel more like me again. I'm learning a lot as I go and the thing at this stage is that you can easily compare your abilities over the past few days and see where you've got faster and more accurate. And so far I haven't upset anyone which is always a bonus!

We had a bit of a domestic problem at home which highlighted the pain of renting through an agency this week - the washing machine decided to die so we were stuck with piles of post-holiday laundry and no clean towels for a few days. A few arsey phone calls from Tom later and things were fixed, praise the Lord; I've never been so happy to have a functioning appliance! Before things were solved I'd resorted to buying a new set of pants (just in case I ran out) and a couple of new towels so I had something dry and clean(ish) to use. I know you are advised to wash towels before you use them and I can personally testify why - after using my new Wilkinsons black bath towel I was covered in dark fuzz. I looked like the hairy old man we saw on the beach in Abersoch.

This isn't him though his cross be bangin'.

So I look forward to a fluff-free washing experience in the next day or two. Simple joys etc.

Anyway, a theological debate raged in the flat this week too. (As did the bitching at each other for being messy/ rude/ stupid/ passive-aggressive but we'll leave that well alone.) I was trying to see if Tom could see any positivity to religion/ belief even as an atheist. The short answer was no, as simply he cannot believe in anything they believe in so cannot see their advantages because they believe in something that is not true. In his words "I'm right and they are wrong." I can't say I share or appreciate this statement but in Tom's eyes if you do not have his exact attitude (no God, no afterlife, no supernatural etc, only what we can see is real) then though he can appreciate you as a person, he cannot see any benefit to your beliefs, regardless of what they are.

This massively saddens me, because even if I did not share or even agree with someone's beliefs or stance on something, I would try to see what it was that attracted them to it and understand what they gain from it. In this world of 'choice' between ideas and ideology, a pick-and-mix attitude of whatever suits you, the idea that someone would believe in something requiring some faith would make sense to us to wonder what compelled them to it and the effect it has. 

For someone to dismiss any facets or details of something purely because they cannot ever fully share the full idea of it seems not only negative, but unhelpful. It can also arguably be rude, in that to cut someone off before they can allow you to know why they think a certain way because you feel you are already right in yourself and therefore the other person is wrong isn't fair.

Not sure why I'm flogging this dead horse of an argument. I guess I just want someone else to have a more open mind, regardless of their beliefs.

Also I'm now on the third book in the Game Of Thrones series. They are pretty good!

We're back!

Never want to go on a train again but I know I will. Anyway, holiday was amazing! We had such a wonderful time and really enjoyed ourselves.

Last Sat we got up to get a train from Chelt to Birmingham, then from Brum to Pwllheli. Turned out the train was crosscountry and went through every miserable little village and hamlet in the northwest of Wales. It took about 4 hours and 20-odd stops until we got to the end of the line to the town.

We were staying in a rented house in a village called Llanbedrog on the coast.

And spent our days going to the local stony beach, travelling to Pwllheli and Abersoch for the less stony beaches, and around the local areas having fun.

One afternoon we managed to squeeze in go karting, archery, bowling (I lost) and the boys had a quick game of pool (Tom lost) and had a nice curry that evening. Another day we went paintballing and boy did that bloody hurt! I have bruises all down my legs and Tom is sporting a huge one on his shoulder.

Lots of pub trips, lots of beach fun and babysitting Tom's new nephew! Another long train journey home again but we're back in Cheltenham.

Holiday!

We're off to Wales tomorrow for a week; first holiday in 6 years for me! We will be staying in a guest house near Pwllheli (in the far north) with about forty of Tom's family members.

See you on a week!

*Cough cough cough*

I've had a bloody cold since the weekend before last and it just won't shift. Ugh. Tired of feeling a bit crap and my poor nose keeps bleeding from overuse!

I start my new job tomorrow, bit nervous but looking forward to it! Hopefully I'll get settled in rather quickly and also get to enjoy my holiday next week.

But until then I keep coughing away and hoping I'll feel more human again in the next few days.

Grace and Gratitude!

After that last self-pitying post things have turned around in record time with great results.

1) Interview went well. Very well. I have a new job! Will be doing admin in the same office as Tom from next week. So call off the job hunt! It's a huge relief in many ways; it's never a nice feeling to know you may be unemployed for an indefinite amount of time for one, and Tom was really bigging up this job so the more I heard, the more I wanted it.

Picture subject related, context unrelated.

2) Finished at old job yesterday. I have been looking forward to that day for so, SO long! It hit me when I was in bed last night that I actually managed to survive my time there. Many times over the last year I had to really fight with myself to not just hand in my notice, or worse, just walk out. To just focus on counting down the days and get through it was great! I spent most of my time there stressed out, talked down on, trying to use methods which made tasks harder, and demotivated by those meant to help and encourage us. Events surrounding things like Tom's operation, the infamous funeral affair [not Tom's, obviously!], and lots of occasions involving handling customers have hugely marred my time at the company and really made me resentful and unhappy. So now my time there has finished, I am never working there again, and that makes me so damn happy and grateful that God's timing has been amazing: I had the admin interview Monday, got accepted on Tuesday, and finished at my old job Weds!

I was in such a motivated mood when I got home last night that I actually got stuck into some housework and got the place looking like a flat again before Tom made dinner and we cracked open some Asti! Usually I get home, sit down, and only move to either feed myself or go to bed. Hopefully being happier will mean I have more energy.

3) Toenail is still attached! It's cracked but not infected or sore except for when I stub it against the coffee table. Only concern is that when we go on holiday to Wales in a week we'll be on the beach, and I'm considering getting a swimming sock to keep it clean. I just can't look cool.

Pain

I'm currently sitting at home feeling rather sorry for myself; about an hour ago I massively stubbed my big toe on my left foot and actually split part of the nail.

There was blood, pain, a lot of swearing. I've managed to clean it up and get most of my nail polish off to have a better look at it, but it is definitely split. I'm just hoping and praying I won't actually lose the nail.

So I've got it covered in a couple of plasters and am musing at the timing of these ridiculous incidences in my life; I have an interview at Tom's place tomorrow. And we walk everywhere. I am really not looking forward to trying to walk anywhere at all, let alone the best part of 1.5 miles in smart shoes. So we might need to get the bus...

Pain in various forms seems to be a theme in recent times here. My IBS has been playing up again recently, with fibre seeming to be a large culprit. Having a sore tummy all day is never fun.

But at the same time I could have it much worse: my knee injury some years ago was probably the most extreme pain I've had. My eczema is so much better than before when my hands would split open and be red raw.

So throbbing toe and achy stomach may be the worst of the moment. Let's hope I don't do anything stupid soon.

Dammit Technology

I've had enough with computers this week. After several computer issues at work (including a monitor with the screen upside down - how the hell??!!) and an entertaining session where the computer refused to work after IT 'fixed' it and then the monitor itself died at the same time, you'd understand that I may have had enough of them recently. However tonight I attempted to be all clever and try and do stuff to this blog.

As you may have noticed I succeeded in changing the background.

I also tweaked some of the font colours too but only because by fiddling with the background they somehow got a bit harder to see. Why? No idea.

What I would like to try and do is copy a certain Melissa Low (woohoo figured out how to link!) who has a very snazzy "Ask Me" box on the side of her blog.

I am nowhere near as popular or under any illusions of that, but think it would be a nice thing to have.

If any remotely capable person can explain how to do this (or come to Cheltenham and do it for me?) I'd be grateful!

Cheers y'all.

How do you look?

Now we have another female around there is a more considered approach about appearance in the house.

Ok, that's rubbish. We tease Jo for having hairbrushes everywhere and fretting about everything from eyebrows, hair colour and wrinkles (she's 24). But it shows how in this society emphasis is so heavily placed on appearance, almost over everything else. Even a strong woman like Jo finds herself under pressure to have a certain standard of appearance.

Me? I'm a slob.

This wasn't exactly a posed picture

Ok so maybe not a total slob but I have a few ways of wearing my hair: tied up or down. Straightening is for special occasions and I can't do anything more adventurous than that by myself. I tend to wear a bit of make up at work to help look more awake, but I certainly can't be bothered with wearing it on a daily basis. 

In part this is Tom's influence of not caring too much about others' opinions, especially if you don't think they matter really. And as he loves me how I am, that's good enough for me.

Don't get me wrong, it is nice to make an effort and dress up now and again, but if you do it all the time I think you get a bit obsessed with your appearance. It's easy to forget how to be natural and relax. Also, if you look like that all the time how can you look better on a special occasion? 

I give up...

I can't wait

... to leave my job!

Still obviously looking for work which is a long and ongoing process if any past experiences amongst us and our friends has anything to go by. But only a few weeks left now (which can't come quickly enough!)

I'm really going to miss my team, and I feel sorry for those stuck there until there are more staff. And specifically more trained staff who can actually do the job because there is a lot to learn and being new sucks. It took me ages to feel confident enough to do things without getting stuff double checked, and I already had a background in the field. So God help and guide any new starters - they will need it!

So what now? I had an interview with a hotel for a receptionist position and have an interview next week for a jewellers. Just have to see what comes up.

IBS - 1, Olivia - 0

My poor body hasn't had much fun recently; constantly tired, tummy aches, poor appetite.

I'm off work today yet again, and for another pathetic reason which sounds so small but feels awful. We've come to the conclusion that somewhere in the past year or so I seemed to have developed irritable bowel syndrome, probably as a result of stress, and now things such as eating and nausea have become a major problem in the last 12 months or so.

It's one of these frustrating things that my mental state and physical state are so entwined together that they have to both be working and co-operating for me to get by each day. Also as there is no known thing that necessarily sets off any symptoms (mainly stress, and I'm usually at least a little stressed!) it means that I can feel any way at any time without knowing how things will effect me. Which stresses me more. Ahhh!

Anyway, in an effort to save some money and to try and eat a bit more healthily, we've been trying to cut back on meat, much to the disgust and horror of Tom who is a pure carnivore. So whilst trying to stretch what we have over the week for the three of us (and remember we don't have a freezer so it's all fresh so has to be eaten quickly) last night I cooked a nice if interesting dinner: sausages in tomato sauce with roasted root veg. I needed to use up all the parsnips, carrots and potatoes, and added cooked sausages to the standard tomato sauce I make (garlic, onions, chilli and sieved tomatoes, then herbs as desired) and it all worked nicely.

However I had also eaten some dried apricots and had a dessert of banana with strawberry yoghurt. Maybe that was the overkill...

Either way for the past 14 hours I have needed to stay within proximity of the bathroom and am a bit apprehensive about eating anything lest it aggravate things further. Decided to call in sick because although I usually feel a bit rubbish these days this was different and I really didn't want to risk anything or go the entire day at work without eating.

So I'm stuck at home, trying to do a bit of housework to keep me occupied and keep my fluids topped up. Also had to clean out Rusty which was horrific because it made me want to hurl everywhere but I survived without anything eventful.

So even if I eat things which in theory should help me and make me healthier and generally better, it doesn't work! Grrr...

Time with family, work and a caravan

Not posted since my sister's wedding, so here's a rundown of June to date...

I had a week off which I spent back in Cheltenham mainly resting and cleaning (flat is still not exactly a palace, but, meh) and we returned with my parents on Friday to spend a bit more time with the family. Spent Friday evening with the newly-wed Mr and Mrs Barrett with curry and the England game. Still don't like football but it's entertaining to watch how often the players fall over.

Saturday it was just us and the parents and a day at Warwick Castle which Tom loved. Got fed up quickly when Tom tried to argue about whether all of the armour was accurate - seeing as he knows so much about SAXON equipment he therefore has become an annoying authority on all things historical. I wussed out of going up the towers because they were high and tight so instead mainly stood around in the rain on the mound waving to Tom across the castle. But we did get to see the trebuchet in action which was pretty cool!

If you zoom right in you might be able to see that white dot at the bottom of the mound - that's me!

After warming up at my parents' we had a big family meal in a nearby pub to appease everyone's fussy palettes.

Sunday we were heading back but Tom and Dad squeezed in a spot of archery in the back garden beforehand. Got to say goodbye to my uncle and grandfather before they returned to the States a few days later. I hope they enjoyed all the time over.

I've not been feeling too sociable or chirpy lately so having to be around so much family on these occasions was a bit of a struggle, but we got through everything and I don't think I ruined anyone's trip this time!

Anyway, back at home and I took some action and have finally given my notice at work. Can't tell you how good that felt! I'll be leaving near the end of July, and Tom and I will be on holiday in August for a few days in Wales (with most of the Barratt crew). I've had more grief than positivity during my time at work so it will be a huge relief to be able to leave that place behind me. Only slight concern is that I don't yet have a job to go to, so I've had to step up my job hunting.

Even though I now have the end in sight of work, frustratingly I'm still not suddenly magically feeling physically amazing - still very tired and sick a lot of the time. I guess it's a slog getting back to health when you have felt drained for so long, and hope there is nothing more going on.

And the only other thing worth mentioning is that Tom's mother and step-father have bought a caravan, which could prove interesting...!

Wedding (in brief)

Wedding was wonderful; the ceremony was short and sweet (just how I like them!) with a reading each from Chris' dad and our mum.

The meal was lovely and the speeches were short and sweet and meaningful.

The dresses were pretty and the flower girls had a brilliant time.

That night at the party there was a fantastic band who played covers of popular songs and really got the mood going - they even made a girls vs boys air guitar play-off with the wedding party which was tear-jerkingly hilarious!

And my father was drunk and my mother had her first drink since 1998 (as she kept pointing out) though no one in our house was hungover the next day - apparently!

And Tom's highlight was of course the hog roast...

Nearly there! And a history of life.

My sister's wedding is tomorrow and I'm so excited! I'm also so grateful not to be involved in organising anything but ourselves - and even that is a bit of a stretch as we're having to go down with Jo tonight instead of arriving a day early like we'd originally hoped.

My poor sister is trying to get all loose ends sorted so she can enjoy their day but at this moment I think my grandfather (from USA) is still getting here/ stranded across the pond due to bad weather, and so may only get here in the nick of time. Also there was a bit of drama with getting the music and chair covers sorted but I think that's mostly OK now.

I'm sure on the day she won't have to worry, and that it will be the best day of her life regardless.

So even today I have things I need to get (like waterproof mascara - just in case!) and organise having a few days at home. Sadly Tom only has the weekend free so I may be staying with the parents for a few extra days without him.

Anyway, in other news: I'm still reading A Short History Of Nearly Everything by Bill Bryson, and I'm now at the section where it explains about different eons and periods of life in the Earth's history. It's very interesting to be reading this as a Christian too, and I'm fairly sure Bryson isn't, but one thing he does well in his works is not to be too biased. All he has done in this scientific book (he's usually a travel writer but has branched out into a few other areas over the last few years) is present the arguments and evidence for what we have found out. Nothing in it goes against the notion of God (so far, I haven't finished it yet!)

What I find fascinating is that we are trying so hard to discover so much and the planet we're on is so much bigger and so much older than we can begin to comprehend in our minds. And to me it is seeing how we humans are starting to piece together how God has made this place we live in, and what came before us. Obviously scientists may argue that it is just the natural process of the chain of life we stemmed from happened to end up with us, but that in itself does not mean there is not additional dimension from a deity.

Lost in wonder...

Resting Time

I have had some time off recently - mostly over our birthdays but also in lieu for working a bank holiday next week (boo!) and I feel I've needed most of this time to just rest and try to relax - something I have found rather difficult recently in life.

It may seem a bit like wasting time, but I've felt recently that trying to do things just for the sake of it when you really don't want to is equally a waste of time. And by that I mean things like going out shopping when you don't want/ need anything and have no money. So today I have spent my time in my pit (aka my seat on the sofa) and job hunted with a live feed of footage from Springwatch on the TV. And I didn't even bother getting dressed as I have no plans to leave the flat - even the weather has gone rather dark and colder after the blaze of summer we've had recently.

Of course this means that a man sent by my agency to look at the boiler turned up unexpectedly.

"Hi there."

Ah well, it's my flat. If I want to sit around all day in my PJs eating biscuits then I can. Though apparently I may occasionally get an audience!

Another reason for lounging about instead of trekking off for no reason is that with my appetite being poorer in recent times I don't always eat as much as I should - a lot of the time eating makes me feel very queasy. So until that settles down a bit more I am more aware of the stresses of trying to eat outside my comfort zone, which is mostly at home, and as I walk everywhere I don't want to overdo things too much and end up having walked 2 miles for no reason and not eat because I feel more sick than usual. Not much fun.

It's been nice to be able to have time guilt-free to just sit at home and pick up a book [A Short History Of Nearly Everything by Bill Bryson at the moment] and let my mind work on something other than worrying/ depression and not be stressed out. That approach doesn't always work, but it's still lovely to have some actual peace now and then.

I wondered if I'd get sick of it...

As I made a brief mention of a few weeks ago, Tom and I have got engaged. Naturally this period leads into planning our wedding. I noted to my mum a day of two into my engagement, "everyone seems to be keen to give me advice, even before I've actually asked..." Her reply was, "they will."

And so, a few weeks later, Tom and I took our birthday weekend off from anything wedding-related because we'd grown sick of it. I can't wait to be married, but the whole planning of a huge event (with no money) and lots of people was starting to drive us mad.

Things we have not yet decided on: venue, date, church, time of day, budget (currently at zero) etc etc.
Things we have decided on: bridesmaids, best man, grooms men, theme.

This is not it.

If I weren't a Christian I would probably pressed more for eloping to somewhere like Gretna Green before now. But I want to be married before God as I believe this is the way to do it. Everything else is just extra decoration as far as I'm concerned, and great as having it will be, I don't want the main point of things lost in a whirl of flowers and name places and cake issues.

I'm sure once things are a bit more in place I'll be having more fun.

Is my birthday

So I'm going to try and have some fun (something I have been lacking of late).

Fun is currently consisting of going to Pets At Home and Sainsbury's but hey, at least it gets me out of the house :)

I'M SO EXCITED

Because...

I'm getting married!!!

Tom asked me to marry him a few nights ago (he was meant to wait for my birthday in a few weeks but couldn't!) and we haven't stopped bouncing off of the walls!

Attempting to plan things on a budget of approximately £0 is both hard and easy - hard because we need to have a serious think about what we each want, where to have everything, who to have there, etc, and easy because we have no money so everything will have to be done very creatively.

Surprisingly this all feels so right. I'm usually the princess of doubt, and I'm not saying there haven't been any negative thoughts slipping in there once in a while, but I am actually so, so happy!

And now back to thinking about dresses...

Hello Money, Goodbye Money

This past month has been the first in a long time that I've had disposable income and been able to (carefully) buy things not considered essential to my longevity. Though those luxuries include lunch because we never have much to take in that I actually want to eat. But one example is I finally, for the first time, got some flowers from Tom!

They looked a bit like this.

But I'm considering some options that may leave me back in a similar position of being broke in the future. Hmm. This economy has been a bloody hard one to be living through with there being very little for households like ours to be falling back on if things go wrong. At the end of the day, the rent needs to be paid so the landlord can pay his mortgage so the bank don't take his house off of him. It's a strange kind of position to be in; we are surrounded by objects of various wealth that such a huge amount of the world just doesn't have (eg the sofa) but we're always about a month's loss away from no food. 

Now logic would say if that were the case then why not just sell all the big expensive things so you can get by? Good point. But our home revolves somewhat around this sofa; its function aides us in so many tasks we don't even realise until it is not there. When we first got our old flat we didn't have a sofa. It was annoying and caused more backache than you'd imagine - floors are hard. So the way we have our lives, our functioning lives, requires having some things not everyone in the world has.

This is not a thing to be guilty about as it fulfils such a practical use. What I would argue is extravagance is wasting a lot of money on a sofa when you can get an equal one at less cost. Some people in our society get into this strange habit of filling rooms - having a place they live in which has more rooms than they need, so they decided to furnish them with the hope of... what? They don't want to use them, because they have other rooms which they use for the same thing. It's just to fill the space.

When we got our flat, the second bedroom was a blessing because we could put all our excess stuff there: spare lizard tanks (in case of quarantine or a new addition) a dining table (redundant by the sofa) and as storage for new things like the mountain bike.

And the next chapter was us reducing stuff down because the room changed its use, but again for a practical reason. Personally nothing screams EXCESS like having rooms you don't use but keep pristine because, hell, you can.

Anyway, one thing I'm trying to do with my money is to use it on appropriate things: we don't have the space for me to just buy cool crap. You can't get around our living room without an airer attacking you (good thing it's weighted down by the never-ending amount of washing on it). So now I may be using money more to do things - takeaways, trips, drinks, feed pets. I want it to be my tool, not master.

Nearly End of April

Jo has been living with us for a month now and it's going extremely well for all of us. Despite my initial reservations of having another person living with us, everyone has settled in nicely and we seem to have worked a routine around most things (such as mornings). She tidies and cleans without being asked, too!

One big practical thing we had to was clear out the spare room and find a place for all the stuff we'd shoved in there over the year and a bit. This prompted a large clear out of that room, our bedroom, and some of the stuff from the living room. I absolutely hate doing stuff like this because it's one of those jobs that turns out to take AGES and it dawns on you after about an hour that this job is bigger than you had anticipated. So I rearranged all the drawers and wardrobe space in our room, found a load of stuff to throw away and things to take to the charity shop, and somehow Jo's room became a lovely, neat bedroom.

The mountain bike is now in our bedroom though, much to my irritation.

It's also been a stressful period in regards to work for some of us (Tom's job is going from strength to strength, lucky boy!) as Jo's team are a bit low on numbers and as we do pretty much the same job but in different places, I know some of how she's feeling. But hopefully things will start to work themselves out more with each of us and employment, though there's no news on the horizon for change.

One thing I am looking forward to in the near future is my sister's wedding in June. It seems most things are in place though as I'm not around her much of the time I have no idea how much planning and setting they have actually done. I know that some people create massively complex days for themselves, and some people have simple days without much fuss. I think there's will be a combination of the two as Michelle is very creative with whatever brief you give her. It's so weird to think my little sister is 1) getting married, and 2) getting married before me! But she's eclipsed me in most areas of life by now at the grand old age of 21 so as a big sister I'm used to it...!

Another thing this month threw at us was the Spring Cold. I succumbed to it first, with a sore throat, achy chest, coughing, sneezing... and ended up having a day sick from work as I just felt rubbish. About a week later Tom finally got it too and now Jo's feeling it creeping on her. I'm getting the blame for this one which in turn I point to my workmate maliciously giving it to me (that's how colds work, right?)

And a final news item: Tom's stepdad Shaun ran the London Marathon last weekend, and made a time of approx 3 hours 30 mins - staggeringly fast! He was raising money for Sense; a charity helping people who are deaf/ blind. His JustGiving page is still up and running (pun not intended) so please visit and donate accordingly: http://www.justgiving.com/shaun-goulding

Brief Update

Our internets have been slow recently (prob in part due to now having a third person using it) so not had as much opportunity to be on here. I'll write more soon.

Today's adventure was to the zoo!!! Bristol Zoo Gardens to be precise. Not been there before but it was much fun :) Now unwinding (and possibly rewinding) with a chilled out night in with Asti.

Relationships are tricky...

In life we have so many different relationships with people that it can get confusing and difficult at times.

The obvious relationships, such as family or partners are often clear-cut boundaries where the mere existence or an agreement shapes it and makes it official. But when things aren't as clear, it gets confusing.

As Christians we try to maintain a relationship with God. It is arguably the easiest and hardest thing to do because on the one hand, God is accessible any time and anywhere. We are called to pray as often as possible about everything; nothing is too small or impossible. But on the other, human hand, we are lazy creatures. It can be difficult to motivate yourself if things aren't going too well or we don't see the results we are after as we want them.

But that's where faith comes into it. We are told that God will hear us, even when we cannot see or hear Him, and that His timing is not always our timing. We want things NOW all the time, but God's plan will be done as He decides. We just need faith to believe He will not leave us and we need patience.

But with people things aren't always simple. We need to be patient without knowing that the other person has things in control because they too are only human. Sometimes things can be too hard in the situation and we make mistakes and hurt people. Sometimes we are hurt without it being our fault.

We then need patience with life to know that things will, in time, get better. But sadly there is no quick way of speeding that up. It's not a lesson learned easily but a time to pass.

New arrival...

Our friend Jo has officially moved into our flat! Should be an interesting move as it's the first time since uni that I've lived with someone else other than Tom, and the first time he's ever had a housemate. Also having a third way of splitting the rent and bills will be real help for us.

Diary and internet

Just musing after Tom found an old notebook of mine with mostly "socialist rants" written in it...! Got me thinking that a few years ago, if you wanted to write down your thoughts you would maybe keep a journal/ diary and only share what you wanted with people.

Now with the internet and social media/ blogging any idiot can write and stupid thing and publish it for everyone to see without thinking about it.

Yeah I know the implications on myself here...

But without the ability to make split-second decisions about whether to say exactly what you think, or publish something riddled with spelling and grammar mistakes, we wouldn't be able to feel superior in our abilities. I mean two things: 1) our ability to communicate in English (or whichever language); and 2) our ability to consider some thought before we hit the 'Publish' button and risk showing everyone how wise/ stupid we are.

That's it; no superior message this evening!

For a laugh, consider having a look at http://failbook.failblog.org and collegehumour.com...

Stop Giving Me Choices?

There a great song by a band called the Hoosiers (what are they up to these days?) called Choices; the chorus is essentially the line "Stop giving me choices" repeated. This morning the confusion of choice is making me frown and ponder and suchlike.

I may potentially have some choices ahead of me but no matter how much you wait and think about the moment you get the options, it's never as simple as you'd hoped.

In my case suddenly there are several potential things in the mix which have all happened at once and now I'm having to make quick decisions and put things into place and get out of my comfort zone. It's a strange part of life that even in situations we get into that we may not be happy about, there is a certain amount of reliability and routine about them which we get used to. So, when we are faced with a sudden jolt of actual, real choice of having to stop doing things one way and go with another and very different one, it can be difficult. As goes the old cliché "better the devil you know". Or should you follow the philosophy of taking a chance of making something better?

I guess the logical thing to do is to seriously consider and list all the pros and cons of a situation to clearly establish whether the move works in certain ways of your life. At least then you can actually look at the points and not just mull over them internally.

Making a decision you regret is a horrible thing to live with, but at the same time you really cannot know how the situation is until you go into it. Unfortunately there is no 'reset' function in life and you have to deal with the consequences whichever way you choose to go. 

Just before I began to write this a painfully simple thought came to me: pray. How obvious is that? I know whichever decision I make will be the way I go (whether 'right' or 'wrong') and it will all work out eventually and God will guide me home. There have been some routes in my life I wish had not been taken but they are part of the bigger tangle of my journey, and regardless of how they went I have gained something from them - even if it is just the confirmation that I would never want to be in that situation again!

Some come to mind more clearly than others...

Tired and Sore

Been a crap few weeks. I'm currently really suffering with IBS which has evolved into the new symptom of really painful cramps across my abdomen (and neck and shoulders too, weird). Back to the doctor this week...

Tom's job in the call centre is seeing him through but it's obviously not ideal for him so his search continues. He vented his frustration earlier about a job agency who though initially were keen to help, have been very reluctant to actually get on with finding jobs for him.

Something a bit different I've done this month is gone to the theatre! I went to see Avenue Q in Cheltenham a few weeks ago with a couple of my workmates. It was full of adult humour and puppets but was hilarious and very good, I'm glad we went! I also went to see a musical called Showstopper, which is all completely improvised by the actors and musicians on stage. It was brilliant and very clever, and if I see it again it will be something new!

Domesticity, Weddings and Babies

With Tom now working full time the chores are back to being split even (apparently) and on my day off today I have so far washed up, put some washing on and hung it up, cleaned the kitchen and got it messy again. Makes you wonder what the point of these things in life are half the time since the nature of them being in a cycle means that not long after you finish the work it's time to start it again. I don't remember the last time I saw an empty laundry basket in my possession. Oh well.

Also trying to bake some bread, something we have lapsed in more recently. However my efforts in getting the dough to rise has been stumped by the spot not being warm enough. Have resorted to cranking the heating up and pushing the armchair against the radiator to hold the dough. I have my doubts about the success of this venture but I won't know how badly I'll fail until I try!

Pictured: the general aim

One a different note; something very strange happened to me last night. I stayed at home instead of going to the pub (that's not too unusual, I'm very lazy) and ended up watching a couple of TV shows I've heard about but not seen. First one was 'Don't Tell The Bride', a programme where a couple are separated on the run up to their wedding and the groom has to plan everything as a surprise for his lucky Mrs-to-be. It's a strange thing that nowadays in our culture weddings tend to have more emphasis on it being a female affair full of discussions on dresses, colour schemes and cakes etc. and the man stays mostly out of it. Whenever I get married I want it to be a joint affair (bad words?!) and not a case of the groom just 'turning up'. The drama comes from the fact the bride gets pretty much no say in anything, even the dress is picked by the groom, and the bride has to like it or lump it. 

This is not from the show but it made me chuckle! At least she seems happy.

Ok, I guess it's easy for me to be a bit cynical as I've not been married and so don't know exactly exciting/ important having the 'right' dress is, but surely the whole point of getting married is to unite the two individuals as one unit in love and promise? With something so huge as the focus of the entire event frivolous details like decoration and themes shouldn't be such a cause of conflict, but it seems to. In fairness, the brides seem to always be pleased with the result and everyone has a fantastic day even if it wasn't how they had expected. I am actually quite an emotional person so I did get a bit welled up watching it (tut tut) but then things got stranger...

Now, I understand as a 23-year-old who is not yet married and has many plans for the directions of my life, children are not currently anything that appeal. Parenthood, once entered into, cannot be escaped; children are hard, hard work; I will ruin their lives inadvertently if I were to create any lifeforms in the near future (so I promise I won't!)

NOTHING about this appeals. And who cut her hair?!

The next programme was 'One Born Every Minute' which is not, as suggested, a marathon of births squeezed into 60-second slots, but follows people about to and giving birth. What did catch me out was this scene: https://lifebegins.channel4.com/explore/parents/mothers/series-3/video/dawn-gives-birth-to-baby-laragh

For those who don't wish to be horrified/ traumatised/ never reproduce etc, the clip shows a woman called Dawn and her husband Paul during the birth of their daughter. The labour became difficult due to the baby's shoulders getting stuck, so though her head was out the rest of her wasn't moving. You can see the baby turning blue and the parents who cannot see anything trying hard not to panic as mum and baby are wrenched and tugged by the doctors trying desperately to get things done. There is a happy ending, but the harsh reality is that in real life of course things don't always go too well. 

Just watching it shook me up, and I was feeling absolutely devastated for the parents who couldn't do anything more to get their baby delivered. It's easy to see how so many women have (and tragically, will) die during childbirth, even in these modern times. 

In seriousness I have often found the idea of adoption more appealing than being pregnant should I ever get the urge to have a baby - which I'm informed should hit me in my late 20s/ early 30s when the hormones kick in - and not for vain reasons, but because there are so many babies and children out there who need homes and parents. Again, I know it's easy for me to say, but so what if you aren't tied by blood? Parenthood is raising children with care and love, not just sharing some DNA.

"Wait, I'm adopted?"

That said, who knows what may happen? Well, God does. I'm sure He'll let me know when the time is right.

"I survived the Dentist!" and other things

I may have spent a few hours with a lisp and have slightly sore gums, but I survived. Let's hope I don't have to have anything else done for a long time!

Tom started his new job today, it's something in insurance which he'll explain to me in more detail later. Hopefully we'll get some more money in soon which we desperately need. It's going to be a tight month (for a change?!) so things should start looking up which will be encouraging. However the equilibrium of both of us working being restored means I have to do more housework now...

Positivity and recent news

At the moment trying to be more positive about everything in life. I read something today which made me realise God wants us to be more humble and receptive to change in life, because He will make us as He wants, when He wants. And despite our impatience, if we're not ready yet, we won't go in the right direction.

Anyway, Tom was away in Oxford the past weekend with his history group. He returned tired and very bruised from being in 'mock' battles (they do still get thrashed despite precautions!) but he enjoyed it. However he decided not to crash over in the village hall for the night and instead managed to get my parents to collect him and look after him!

We took both Rusty and Bruce to a new vet who was very impressed with both of them! He said they were very healthy, very alert and comfortable with people, and Rusty was the healthiest bearded dragon he'd ever seen. We were obviously thrilled to hear we're doing a good job with them and they are in good health.

Peaceful morning

It's 11.34am and I'm still in bed! But not in a bad way. It's my day off and Tom's gone out to carry on making his Saxon clothing at his mentor's house. Before he left he brought me a coffee and poptart on request then we read the news/ looked at someone's bird photos on Tumblr together. Since then I've done the online shopping and only had to get up to grab my purse from the living room!

Decided to take a few mins whilst I had the peace and motivation to play some songs and pray to God, something I haven't done 'properly' in while. Though I pray a lot, it's mostly one-way traffic with me talking and not listening. It was nice to have some time away from distraction to listen to worship music and just wait in peace to hear anything He said.

There's an old joke about the man whose house was flooding and although two people came past and offered him a place in their boats and one in a helicopter, he replied each time "Don't worry, God will save me!" The man then drowns and goes to heaven. There he asks God, "Why didn't you save me?" God replies, "I sent you two lifeboats and a helicopter, what more did you want?!"

Terrible jokes aside, though I know that you have to actually make the effort to provoke change in life, God expects you to exercise common sense (a blessing often overlooked by some people!) Sometimes He also wants you to wait in a situation instead of rushing off. We all want things NOW in life, regardless of whether it's the right time or not.

So whilst I don't think spending all day at home with the curtains drawn and your fingers in your ears saying "If God wants me to have a job He'll show me!" is the right path to take, likewise perhaps in our position grabbing the nearest thing that is plausible and possible, but perhaps not quite right, is unwise.

Thus whenever Tom has been in touch about a job but declined it (this has been on maybe only two occasions) his reasons of refusal make more sense than the jump to accept anything - for example the jobs he applied for turned out to only be temporary in a town some miles away that with the pay he would be spending more money getting there and back than actually bringing in for home. You don't always get given these details in the adverts so he wouldn't have known until someone got in touch with him.

God will provide, but keep your eyes open.

Just a reminder...

"I want some place to put my opinions and thoughts without hideous consequences, and maybe just empty my mind along the way"


These words are at the top of my page. If you are reading this (or anything on here) then this line needs to be considered. If you do not like what you are reading, leave. It's that simple.


I started this blog mainly for my own benefit but also so people could follow what was going on in my life - mainly people I know like Toni who also keep blogs. Whilst everyone is welcome, I will delete comments I feel are hurtful, unkind, offensive or unnecessary. 


If you are not mature or respectful enough to be able to communicate in the comments section without keeping to the boundaries of courtesy then you are not welcome. 


I have had to delete a comment on my previous post by an unknown individual which I felt was inappropriate, hence this rather dry entry. Great as it is to think people are coming across my blog and reading it, I will not have comments that are disrespectful.

Dentist

Today I had to go to the dentist.

Despite years of braces and taking good care of them, I hate having things done to my teeth.

It turns out that there is a small cavity that will need to be sealed up/ filled ASAP so now, joy of joys, I have to go back for some treatment.

The day has not been the best: I became a bit snappy trying to process this news and not burst into tears about it and as a result had a falling out with my mother for a few hours. Just like being a teenager again.

I am totally grateful for all the privileges in my life, such as in this case to have such caring parents and to have access to a dentist because without either of them I'd be stuck. But because my mum didn't realise how upset I was about my teeth she pushed me too far with questions then ended up all offended when I wasn't too nice to her. We calmed down later and sorted things out but it was all a bit crap.

Back home now feeling rather deflated about everything. I think one of the main reasons the cavity upset me so much is the dentist explained eating between meals (and eating anything sugary) will exacerbate the problem. With all the stress I am still trying to cope with my diet and eating habits have gone haywire. One thing to help your digestion is to eat 'little and often' which I try and do during the day. I also struggle to eat much of anything but as I am more partial to sweet things I will take something like a pastry for breakfast rather than have nothing at all. So I was frustrated to find out what was progress in one area was becoming partly detrimental in another.

I simply cannot cope with everything. I need to work but I need to not be stressed all the time. I need to fuel my body but my appetite and digestive system do not always appreciate that. I need to look after my teeth but cannot cut out the few remaining things I seem to be alright eating. I need to have a life but I've got no energy to live it. And there's no RESET button in life; you have to try and change things as you go through them instead of just wiping away all the bad stuff and starting again. Change is hard. Improvement does not always follow when you hope it will.

God help me.

Space

This evening instead of watching the latest X-Men film as lent to me by friends, I am watching Stargazing Live on the BBC. I'm not too sorry about this for a few reasons: 1) I actually find astronomy really interesting. I'm crap at maths and physics so don't think I could ever study it properly but I do think looking at the sky (day or night) is fascinating and beautiful; and 2) I've already seen the film. It was good.

I know a lot of scientists will shirk away from the idea of a Creator when they are studying and declaring the universe and how it works, but to me the two concepts don't have to clash. We don't know exactly how big the universe is, and have very little hope of ever actually exploring it because it's just so difficult to get there.

I admire how fantastic the natural world and beyond is, and it fills me with wonder and amazement for God. It's nice to see there is something still so big for us to think about which we humans can't really wreck.

January

I'm not one for New Year Resolutions because I think you should be able to start any new ambition on any day and not succumb to fads. So I have not set a measurable aim but want this year to be better than the last one!

Tom is still looking for work. Today he had an interview which went spectacularly badly wrong so that's the next hope gone, again. It seems these employers enjoy taking the urine (I'm trying to use the proper terms of profanity today) and wasting people's time. I won't divulge too much here but they took Tom from their offices to a conference which turned out to be in a different country, and on the way described the job in more detail. Tom decided he didn't like the sound of it and they dropped him off at the train station at his request so he can come home. Gah...

That annoyance and misery aside, I am trying to be more positive about, well, everything. Currently my health is struggling as I try and deal with all the stress of life at the moment, and I have to take each day as it comes and try to eat well and sleep enough to get through. I am also reading 'Questions of Life' by Nicky Gumble, the man who started the Alpha course. It's a recent addition so has some reflective points on the growth of Alpha over time, and is written carefully and encouragingly. I don't mind admitting I have lost some vitality and  enthusiasm of my faith in recent times, and when reading the book the other day I actually seemed to reawaken a joy still in me for Jesus. Let's pray this will continue!

Not so clever New Year

In a true act of starting as you DON'T mean to go on (again, ever) we had a NYE party at our friend's new place last night. It was mainly a session of eating and drinking and laughing, though I think polishing off most of a bottle of Asti at the end may have been a small mistake...

So with the biggest hangover of my life, my family arrived and our collective posse (five out of seven of us having drank a bit too much the previous night) wandered up to the racecourse and had a day at the races. Our other friends managed to join us later after they'd peeled themselves off their beds of pain and tidied the party leftovers up.

I've never been interested in horse racing but I'll admit that it was a pretty good day. I only placed one bet of £2 which of course I lost, and my sister had the most lucky wins of the day as usual. We have been given tickets for the Gold Cup races in March so this time we'll make some preparations: 1) no excessive drinking the night before; 2) bring snacks, warm clothing and an umbrella.

BTW, Happy New Year!