Too exhausted to start a fight?

A recurring theme in my life in the past few years is "putting up with crap". Though I guess that's familiar to many. In my case the theme seems to recur with having to live or work or just have individuals around you who are making the time a chore.

I hesitate to bring this up but hell, it's my damn blog. I want to vent.

When I was at uni I lived in a house with three other girls. A couple of years earlier I would have defined that situation as a nightmare, but we ended up in it regardless. The first few months were fun where we all got along, even with the quieter girl mainly keeping to herself. However, things changed. I think the catalyst was during a break for the Easter holidays the girl I later had an issue with (not the quiet one!) had a sudden break up with her boyfriend back home, and whilst I stayed in Cheltenham and suddenly started dating Tom. From that point she got more distant and cold towards me even though I didn't do anything to her. The next year was a pain living there, and whenever I moaned about the situation to anyone they recommended I try talking to her, and I would have done if I had thought it would have made any difference. Tricky though; she wasn't actually doing anything 'wrong' so trying to explain to someone that just the way they are is a problem. So I just got on with it as best as possible until I got to move out.

I wonder though, if I am the kind of person who deliberately avoids conflicts for the sake of keeping the peace? When does it become a problem to allow the equilibrium to be disturbed? 

In situations where there is a balance of power or status is it easier to help in these situations? After all, at work you can report to your manager and try to get a professional approach to ease things. But that doesn't always work - people are human and don't take criticism well, so imagine being stuck at work with someone who has complained about you. And imagine having tried to raise a complaint about an individual to then find it made things worse?

Another gripe I may voice is when you feel a friend has wronged you in some way. How do you gently approach a friend who may not be even vaguely aware that you feel they did something to hurt you? [I realise as I type this that although the entire world won't be reading this, those who do may wonder if it's directed at them. I can only assume who you are from those who have left comments. Either way, no comment from me! that would be unfair I guess. Hmm.] 

I feel I've had friends who aren't too considerate about other people's feelings, whether intentionally or not, and felt hurt and let down by them. Those who don't keep in touch with you but make an effort with others. Those who talk about occasions or events but never invite you. Those who have moved on and made new friends but forgotten about you.

People are hard work.

Looking Good?

I'll be the first to admit that sometimes I'll think Tom and I are very different individuals, and we have things that drive each other nuts.

There are good things too though! One of the things I think I've learned from Tom is not caring too much about what other people think in terms of things like worrying about their reactions. Tom admittedly doesn't really care what anyone really thinks about him anyway, but I'm a bit more sensitive.

However I admire the ability to not get uptight and concerned about things which are really not too important, mainly my appearance. It's so easy to get anxious about things with all the pressure and media surrounding fashion and size and looking a certain way, etc... so to meet someone who had the attitude of not being too bothered by these sort of things is brilliant. From my perspective I know there are things Tom would prefer me to wear on occasions (for example he thinks I look nice in dresses) but would never force me to do anything. A while ago he was encouraging me to get a fringe but I quite firmly stated that would not happen!

When you look harder at the important things with people you see their beauty beyond their appearance. And I think it's a sign of maturity to consider that if you are spending your life with someone you will see them change and age and go through all things with it, and still want to be with them. We're in our prime now so arguably things are only going to go downhill! Losing hair, gaining hair, weight, wrinkles, teeth... the lovely list is endless if you want to find things 'wrong' with your body.

But instead celebrate that you are what you are and who you are and the important things are your health and your relationships. Bodies will wear out and get tired, your soul and spirit doesn't have to.

Still miserable

Maybe I'm just a very sensitive individual, or maybe it's because I have already experienced my (un)fair share of sadness in my life, but I'm still shattered about Douglas. I know things will get better and each day things get a little easier, but that dark cloud of misery is still hanging over everything.

Strange how such a small life makes so much of an impact on the bigger things around it.

I think the hardest thing for anyone who has lost someone is the fact the most recent memories of them will be the painful - their death, the circumstances surrounding it, illness and suffering, responsibility and blame... And you have to really push yourself to remember the good things about them, the good memories - their personality, their voice, anecdotes, things they liked...

In my mind somewhere is a list of names under a heading reading 'DEAD' which is only going to get longer. I just hope it's a long time until anyone else is added to it.

Some sad news

Yesterday I took Douglas, my 9 month old uromastyx, to the vet. He'd been avoiding most food and been lethargic for a few weeks and I was getting worried. My mum nicely came and gave me a lift down to the vet.

When we got there it turned out he had a massive blockage in his system, either impaction (only cause we could think of was when we got him in June he had been living on sand which is known for causing this problem) or a huge growth. Whatever the cause it had essentially blocked his entire system and was fatal. Given that he was only about 3 inches long surgery was pretty much out of the question so the kindest thing to do was to have him put to sleep.

It was a hideous and quick decision I had to make and I was (and still am) absolutely devastated. The vet was very kind and said it was clear he was well cared for and we loved him, and I had a brief moment to hold him to say goodbye.

I decided not to stay for the anaesthetic or take away his body as we don't really have anywhere to bury him and I wanted to remember him alive. He was so small, so young, and the only comfort we got was that it was nothing that we did to him that caused the problem; it was just how it was.

In a strange way the timing of this all has made things easier: I'm off all weekend so don't have to go to work, he still had enough fat in him to carry on living but he was never going to get better so at least he wasn't in any more pain than that. Sadly Tom was stuck at work when I told him but he tends to deal with these things better than me. I have spent most of the past day crying.

Rest in peace little Douglas. I'm so sorry it happened this way, but we gave you the best life we could and we love you very much.

Life, The Universe, and Everything II

I'm sure I've already mused (rambled) on this sort of topic before but this has seemed quite apt recently.

What is the point of life? We've sanitised too much of the survival instinct and behaviour with modern convenience for us to need much purpose. We don't need to hunt for food, just work to buy it. Entertainment is at our fingertips. Medicine from our doctors and pharmacies.

Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the convenience of things. But why are we so bored?

There's a perspective in sociology called Functionalism, where they see each part of society as a cog in a machine which keeps working as every part has a function and works. It's slightly less depressing than Marxism (where the rich are keeping us down) but still a bit of a thinker. Am I here just to be that worker in society who has a job and therefore pays tax and keeps her own self afloat and helps keep the crime rate low and literacy rate high?

What happens when we start to get sick of our 'place'? Why should I work? Why should anyone who doesn't want to have to? Isn't life too short? Are we being kept in place by force by some upper force keeping our wages low enough to ensure our dependency on jobs as they revel in wealth and satisfaction? (the Marxism creeps back in...)

Perhaps the only way to appreciate anything in life is to know the difference it makes. Case study: recently our bathroom light broke. As we rent, it is the landlord's duty to come and repair it.

However the agency/ landlord took their time and we had darkness in the bathroom for about 5 weeks in total:

After it was fixed we greatly appreciated having that light back. But in the grand scheme of things happiness is not a bathroom light.

So I pose this question to you: What brings happiness? Not the brief gladness feeling you get from ducklings etc, but contentment. Or, is it even possible to have such thing as long-term contentment?

Answers on a postcard (ie comments section)