Christmas time

Christmas Eve - we did something a bit different and went with Tom's mum to a carol service. It was held at a church in her village which is shared by the Catholics and Anglicans. The service itself was meant to be about 30 mins before leading into mass (which we weren't attending) but it was a very strange experience for me. Tom's mum is Catholic and Tom was raised as one (though he is an atheist) so they were more used to the customs which were completely alien to me. People kneeled to the alter before sitting down; the songs were all old-fashioned and some had Latin in them; there were icons of Jesus everywhere. No incense though. I am determined to get back into a church group soon but I am quite sure I won't become Catholic! I just felt they place such a huge emphasis on the extra elements of religion rather than the core message of Jesus.

Well we had a great Christmas day just us two; cooked roast pork and watched DVDs of Lee Evans and Queen documentary. One of my presents to Tom was a wooden mead flagon and he drank out of nothing but that all day! It's now stained a bit pink from the cider, but at least he's getting use out of it. Tom's main gift to me was a membership to the RSPB so now we can go bird watching around the country (trips and transport willing of course) but I was so touched I cried a little! We also popped to Chloe's for a couple of hours in the evening which was peaceful.

I was back at work over the bank holiday but now enjoying a couple of days off before back to work again. At least I get NYD off and we're going to the races (we only live 10 mins walk so be rude not to!)

I'm hoping and praying things will be improving in the new year for us. It feels like this year has been a real struggle, for things perhaps of our own making and many things we couldn't control, so I really want things to settle down and get better soon. The idea of running away and living in a remote commune grows ever-tempting though it seems a bit impractical. 

Health and Holidays

I'm getting some blood tests next week to determine whether I have anything in addition to possible (and quite likely) IBS. After all the stress of this year it seems my health has taken a bit of a battering and has manifested itself in the form of making me feel sick and sore. As a result I've been losing weight on and off (I don't know the figures as I don't actually own a set of scales) but I'm hoping with some treatment from a doctor I will see an improvement.

Anyway, as the date shows we are very close to Christmas. I'm actually getting a little excited! I am a Scrooge but only because I get sick of all the commercialism that surrounds the weeks/ months leading up to the day itself. We put our tree up on Monday and it's nice to have it brightening the room up, and this evening it's got a variety of gifts from my family underneath. I am just looking forward to spending the day with Tom, having a meal and sharing a few presents.

Let's hope Jesus' birthday celebrations go well this year; it's nice when people get together and have a wonderful time.

If I don't comment on here before, merry Christmas to everyone!

Guitar

Yet MORE bad news today - Tom unfortunately wasn't successful for a job he'd been interviewed for, so now he's back to job hunting again.

Times are hard. I know they could be harder, and we need to count our blessings, but not knowing how we shall get by in the next few weeks is pretty scary.

Things may be changing at my work soon but I'll have to see over the next few weeks if anything will happen.

A strange symbol of these situations is still lurking away in my life: my guitar.

No, I don't play it. I had a teenage dream of becoming a rock star, and when it turned out practicing and playing was something that didn't come naturally I typically gave up. I know I won't take it up again (I don't think my fingers are flexible enough either!) but I still have the guitar my dad bought for me. Over the past few years it's been something that I've had to consider selling on several occasions when money has been tight.

Yet it is still here, still in the corner somewhere gathering dust. I've not yet got to the stage where I've actually had to put together a transaction for it. Perhaps this is a symbol of some security and reassurance of getting me through things.

This time of year again

I am a bit of a Scrooge, I won't lie. It's a bit weird trying to explain to people how that as a Christian I don't like the celebration, but it's the commercialism I despise.

Christmas is on Dec 25th, not October or November. I refuse to follow the trend of having to spend a load of money on crap that you wouldn't dream of buying any other time of the year. Retailers rack in a huge profit (or not?) and then people queue up to get everything they didn't receive in the Boxing Day sales.

If you mention things like Jesus or going to Church on Christmas Day people seem to lose interest. Many people seem to have completely detached the Christian celebration from the orgy of food and gifts.

I also want to suck out more of the fun by pointing out that a lot of the rituals surrounding Christmas (including the time of year) were pagan in origin! I know that when the Christians came over they basically told the native pagans that they were taking their New Year/ Yule (I forget which though no doubt someone out there may correct me) and turning it into the birthday of their saviour.

Whilst the topic of 'invasion'/ missionaries etc. can be left for another day, my point still stands that Christmas has been ruined by the commercial and consumerist nature of the modern world in this country.

This year I shall be spending the day with Tom at home, eating food and playing games and trying to enjoy the day itself rather than have planned meticulously for weeks in advance and spend money I really don't have!

Mum's surprise 50th

It's Sunday and we're back in Chelt after spending the weekend with my parents. I had the entire week booked as holiday months ago knowing it's Mum's birthday, but my sister decided to throw her a surprise party! We could only come down for a couple of days as Tom still needs his dressings to be changed by a nurse every other day or so.

Saturday we spend seeing my sister's new house (bought but not yet moved in, I'm told it can take a while due to lots of dull reasons) and then we secretly helped her set up. At her place she even painted my nails sparkly blue much to my delight! So pretty! We had a sneaky curry then headed back home to Mum to get ready for the 'meal' we'd told her had been arranged.

En route we 'found out' the table had been delayed, and "oh look Michelle is outside of this social club, so we should really have a quick drink in here!" and led Mum through the building to a room where we'd assembled about 40 guests for her surprise. Went off without a hitch, and she didn't suspect a thing! She was thoroughly chuffed and really enjoyed herself. It was a lovely evening catching up with a few family members I didn't really remember and some family friends I did. And we ended the night putting the helium in the balloons to good use!

Home now after a tense journey (I needed a wee for the best part of an hour whilst we were stuck behind a slow car and a lorry) and back to our own maturity zone - organising our dinner, feeding lizards (Chloe had been taking care of them in our absence)... It's strange but nice coming home to our own place and feeling like we're the adults instead of the kids. Also I never sleep well at M&D's though that has ALWAYS been the case, even when I lived there. Something odd about that house... I think I miss Cheltenham more than I realise when I'm away from it; Bicester doesn't hold many charms to draw us back and the friends I have here make this town more of a home to us.

Back to work Tuesday for a long stretch of either five or six days. Can't say I'm massively looking forward to it, but hopefully things will be busy and run smoothly.

Bad Taste...

Not too sure why, but had a Simply Red song stuck in my head earlier, and with the invention of YouTube I have progressed from playing that song to playing more of them.

I don't even like Simply Red. I think Mick Hucknell looks like a leather puppet.

Maybe this is a lesson in being too black/ white? You can still listen to a few songs even if it's for nostalgia rather than loving the band.

But I still don't like Green Day!!

Negative/ Positives of the year so far.

So as we are in November I look back and think, "What a crap year." [At least the Rapture missed us; I was worried it might ruin my birthday.]

OK, so not everything was horrific, but overall this year can be summed up in the following adjectives: difficult, stressful, frustrating, unfortunate. We have struggled with money, health, relationships and employment.

We started the year with me in a new job and Tom continuing in the same one; living in our still-new flat, with some ambitions and hope that with us both working full time we might be able to start having more of a life outside of having to wrestle to get anywhere.

Yeah, obviously that didn't quite work out. The taxman ruined me so for the first 5 months of the year I was only taking home a fraction of my wages; we gained and lost pets in different ways; we had to spend more time in hospitals and GP surgeries than I care to think about.

I support the concept of taxes but not the action of leaving me unable to pay even my rent and council tax. Bastards.

I had hoped to get round to sorting out driving but now with the car stolen (not sure if mentioned but someone towed our car and no-one knows who) and no spare cash the lessons and tests will have to wait again.

I haven't even had my hair cut since last year! But that's OK as I'm starting to like it a bit longer.

OK, maybe not too long...

So yes, things have been supremely terrible. But the positives:

- This year Tom's lung condition was finally figured out and he has come through his operation
- Rusty is thriving (into a little bugger but you can't have everything) and Bruce is in a better place than the shop we got him from
- I still have my job
- My sister got engaged and is getting married next year
- We still have our flat and it is still our home for now
- I've read a lot more than I've managed in recent years

Right at this moment in time all I can do is try and stay positive. It's the hardest thing in the world and at times like this I have faith as I cannot possibly be coping all on my own. One thing I feel I have 'failed' this year is growing my faith, but even though some things feel distant I think the fact we carry on is God's doing more than our own.

Things I want to say (but perhaps don't)

It's not fair. Nothing is.

I deserve more than this. Why don't I get a better deal with life?

Why are businesses and societies and governments so obsessed with numbers? People are dying from starvation and abuse around the world and you are too busy dealing with some other kinds of drama you all created.

I love him like I've loved no other.

I wish I wasn't scared of everything. I wish I was stronger.

Some of the most important people in my life may not realise how much I value them. I hope they know I do, even if I lack the grace and co-ordination to express it properly.

No one did anything bad to me but the horrors of my childhood and teens can rear up at any time. It's no one's fault, but there is no guarantee I won't let the cycle repeat and that puts me off becoming a parent.

I think I'm ready for some change.

I don't want him to join the RAF. I don't want to lose him like that. But if he does join I'll support him every step of the way.

Friend, when did you forget about me? Was it my fault, or yours?

Don't leave me here alone.

Talk to me with some manners. I'm sure you learnt some at one point.

You are great in the mornings and I am not. If you won't be more accommodating to that fact then leave me alone and let me just get on with it.

I still miss little Douglas.

Somehow encouraged, but life sucks

To have a recap of the current situation:

Tom had an operation last Saturday and is at home recovering. Through the recovery though is a lot of pain, discomfort, anxiety and frustration. At the moment his body is not working properly as it tries to right itself after a big interruption to the norm. Hopefully in a few weeks the pain will have eased off and most of the healing will have occurred. Obviously it may take months for him to regain his original level of fitness and strength but only waiting will make it happen.

Actually a fairly accurate representation of the general mood right now.

Also he is looking for work but currently cannot attend any interviews until he is physically strong enough to get back on his feet and go out alone.

Due to all of this money is (as usual) very tight, with this month having some grace from family to help us cover all the bases. There's always some small financial thing that pops up we have forgotten about like a phone bill, so parents helping us is much appreciated.

Seems we're in the same situation as a lot of people; young, in the wrong work positions, low income, independently living a very non-extravagant lifestyle but the money just about covers things. This month I cannot afford to have any driving lessons, and with all the stress of the last few weeks I've barely speculated doing my theory. Lack of regularity with this sort of thing makes progress frustratingly slow and so I am struggling to see myself behind a wheel unsupervised in the realistic future. [Not that we have a car to drive any more.]


Yet somehow I cannot totally lose hope. There is a promise somewhere that things will improve. Things are tough everywhere at the moment in terms of economy and profession. I'm part of a qualified but inexperienced generation who grew up with big ideas and have had them squashed.

Forget the practical problems for a moment though; I know that one day things in all parts of our lives will be better. A lot better.

I have faith in that. But need the strength and patience to get to that point whenever it arrives.

Recovery

Tom had his operation on Saturday morning and has been doing well since coming out of theatre. We went to see him on Sat evening and he was a bit groggy but awake. So far today it seems he will have the drainage tube removed from under his arm and if all is ok then he should be allowed home tomorrow, which I'm obviously thrilled about!

It's a strange conflict you feel when someone you love has a health problem like this. In this modern age of medicine and healthcare your chances of success have never been higher, but there is always a potential for things to not quite go to plan. Despite the medical knowledge of Tom's condition and the operation itself being fairly routine and straightforward, you are still prone to worry about things going wrong.

Waiting at the hospital and hearing the original op had been cancelled as things in previous surgeries that day had not gone to plan is a bit nerve-racking even though I think the complications weren't too serious. As another patient said, having the op cancelled was annoying but it must be so much worse for the person on the table.

So now if everything has worked as intended he should be home and spending the next few weeks resting to get his muscles and lungs functioning normally. (Unfortunately) I get too look after him and I'm no nurse...!

Tom's (lack of) Operation

Just a quick note.

We went to Heartlands hospital in Birmingham today for Tom's operation to fox his lung. We'd had only about 4 hours sleep and had to get up at 5am to be picked up at about 6.30am by Tom's mum and got to the hospital for about 8am.

And waited...

And were warned that they were lacking beds so the operation may be cancelled but we would have to wait to see.

More waiting...

Tom was fasting so not allowed any food or drink all day as he could have been called up at any moment. There were other people waiting for different surgeries in the same area and in the afternoon several of them were told due to a problem in one of the earlier surgeries with a patient they needed to cancel the afternoon ones. No one was pleased but felt more grateful that they were not the poor person on the table having who knows what issues.

More waiting...  [I am skimming over how tired, sick and bored we felt all day. And stressed and fed up because hospitals generally seem to involve a lot of waiting around and watching the staff attempt to organise themselves to say "not sure" to any of your questions.]

4pm rolls round, a full 8 hours after we checked in, and unfortunately there had been problems in the thoracic theatre too so they had to cancel Tom's operation. He was not too happy but the surgeon came and apologised and explained the issue.

The result is that Tom is staying overnight in a ward so he is guaranteed a bed and will probably have the op on Sat (maybe tomorrow if he is lucky) and got some dinner. We hope to be able to visit him tomorrow evening as he will probably have been bored all day. I feel lonely at home by myself so bless him being stuck on a strange ward in a weird bed surrounded by sick people when he is currently fine.

More updates as and when we know. All prayer requests needed!

Signed off

Just to let you all know I have been officially signed off of work for three weeks by my doctor for stress and exhaustion.

I've been suffering a lot lately with having to deal with stress. Those who have known me for some years will no doubt be aware of the pretty dire consequences when circumstances get too much. In fact I ended up quitting a job very suddenly only last year because I just could not deal with it anymore.

At the moment there are some things to sort with work, but this is not the place to discuss it. The additional burden in my life at the moment is that I simply cannot deal with work problems as well as Tom's situation with job hunting and his operation. In my opinion his health and our life must come first. I'm sure most people will agree and if they were in a similar situation I would hope you would do everything you could to look after yourself and everyone around you. I'm also afraid my work will suffer if I were to continue working whilst all this happens and then no-one wins.

I have spoken to a couple of doctors about my health as I witnessed problems like my weight drop, poor sleep and becoming more agitated. From my experience it's best to go to get help sooner rather than at the last minute as at least then you have made preparations in case things do get worse.

I need to spend the next while resting, putting some weight back on and just getting my head back into a place where I can deal with day-to-day life.

I don't really have anything good to say at the moment

so instead let me try and distract us all with a few nice pictures:

Yes that one is actually Rusty

This isn't but it still made me laugh! Be careful if you dress up your pets.

'Normal' service may be resumed soon when I get some progress with our situations. Tom's pre-op went well last week and his operation is still on schedule for the 27th.

Contentment and beans

THEORY: In life we seek certain things: food, shelter, community, safety.

When all of these things are assured we should therefore be content. But if you look around, we're not.

Thus, if we were to make some of the things we needed more restricted or threatened (eg war, rationing etc) then would we learn to be happier? Could we become more content on less? Is it greed that blocks us from achieving satisfaction?

EXAMPLE: Think about it like this, if you please: when you go to a supermarket for a tin of beans, there are several options available to you in the form of expense/ quality. There are standard own-brand beans, branded beans, cheap 'value' beans, fancy beans, different brand of beans... now they are all beans. Yes there may be some variation in the quality of them, but they've all passed the standard to be allowed to be sold to us as beans.

Personally, I prefer Heinz brand.

Now let us remove all but one type of beans. Bang, there goes your choice.

There would be no more competition for bean brand; between people buying the more expensive brand vs. the cheaper brand. The misery of having to buy the cheap beans rather than having the wealth and opulence to afford the very best [see opinion above] is removed. Assuming there is some misery to buying beans.

Beans aside, my point and principle is that by giving us choices and divisions based on supplying us with things that we need based on the money we have is a possible cause of losing happiness. I would hope that if the world's bean supply was suddenly restricted and thus distributed by one organisation then we would just be grateful for being able to still have beans.

Bureaucracy

Just a quick muse at one of my least favourite subjects (also I can't spell it so had to check before posting the title...)

Case #1 - consulting my work handbook at home to see about leave/ time off around Tom's op (finally got the dates!) so I can be around. The term "Compassionate leave" is not mentioned. What is mentioned is about getting time off for caring for someone, but the details are apparently in the Company Policy.
This document is not one they issue copies of to employees. I think I can only access it via the company intranet at work -_- not helpful.

Case #2 - we rent our flat through an agency and as such will have periodic inspections. We had one the other week and the results came back today. Generally everything was ok, the only real maintenance issues were a door handle being loose (like that when we got here) and some dampness around bathroom window.
What did make me chuckle a bit was this: we've got a crack in our double-glazed window, which we have told the agency about twice (and the landlord) but no news on it. The inspector missed it completely, but did put in the very brief report that there is a dead insect in our net curtain.

Go figure...

So bored

Life isn't very fun at the moment. Tom has his operation at the end of the month and will need about 1 month of recovery time. He's also leaving his job next week as his company were cutting staff but to buy himself more time he handed in his notice so he could an additional 6 weeks (instead of leaving at the end of Sept when his contract ended). So currently he has no new job to go to, despite looking hard and going to interviews.

I know it's a familiar story among many people our age out there but trying to get a (better) job is a nightmare these days. I can moan that there are no jobs, but that's not strictly true; people just offer jobs to apparently very experienced individuals. The rest of us don't get a look in. The remaining jobs offer insultingly low pay from companies you know can afford to pay better. I've seen positions advertised for a high street clothes shop paying less than £6/ hour, which I think is disgusting. Also, another company had adverts for retail associates and managers. The manager's salary was about £20k. The associate's was "minimum wage". How awful is that?

Tom went for an interview with a job agency after applying for a position which was a little ambitious, and paid a lot more than either of us have earned. But you may as well take a shot at these things. When he returned from the agency he was annoyed because they had told him the job in question was out of his reach and they wouldn't be bothering to put forward his application. I figured that the agency's role is to get the companies people for their jobs, so in turn they are not going to be willing to put forward a high risk candidate with little experience.

So how the hell do you get experience in fields if nobody gives you a job in them? We can't volunteer our time, simply because we need full-time jobs to get by. Also, you can only go for jobs in your area. If all that's around you is the same field of work (the one you have no experience or interest in) then what? You can't move without somewhere to live and until you have a job secured, as well as a large amount of money for moving and deposits etc. then you can't do it.

Also education doesn't seem to have much of a bearing on things. Unless you're a qualified nuclear physicist (you get the idea) then no-one is interested in the average bum with a few GCSEs/ A Levels/ degree tucked away in the box somewhere. Why were you getting an education when you could have been getting experience in the work field, hey?

It'll all work out, I suppose. Times like these you need to have faith, even if a small scrap is all you feel is left.

Too exhausted to start a fight?

A recurring theme in my life in the past few years is "putting up with crap". Though I guess that's familiar to many. In my case the theme seems to recur with having to live or work or just have individuals around you who are making the time a chore.

I hesitate to bring this up but hell, it's my damn blog. I want to vent.

When I was at uni I lived in a house with three other girls. A couple of years earlier I would have defined that situation as a nightmare, but we ended up in it regardless. The first few months were fun where we all got along, even with the quieter girl mainly keeping to herself. However, things changed. I think the catalyst was during a break for the Easter holidays the girl I later had an issue with (not the quiet one!) had a sudden break up with her boyfriend back home, and whilst I stayed in Cheltenham and suddenly started dating Tom. From that point she got more distant and cold towards me even though I didn't do anything to her. The next year was a pain living there, and whenever I moaned about the situation to anyone they recommended I try talking to her, and I would have done if I had thought it would have made any difference. Tricky though; she wasn't actually doing anything 'wrong' so trying to explain to someone that just the way they are is a problem. So I just got on with it as best as possible until I got to move out.

I wonder though, if I am the kind of person who deliberately avoids conflicts for the sake of keeping the peace? When does it become a problem to allow the equilibrium to be disturbed? 

In situations where there is a balance of power or status is it easier to help in these situations? After all, at work you can report to your manager and try to get a professional approach to ease things. But that doesn't always work - people are human and don't take criticism well, so imagine being stuck at work with someone who has complained about you. And imagine having tried to raise a complaint about an individual to then find it made things worse?

Another gripe I may voice is when you feel a friend has wronged you in some way. How do you gently approach a friend who may not be even vaguely aware that you feel they did something to hurt you? [I realise as I type this that although the entire world won't be reading this, those who do may wonder if it's directed at them. I can only assume who you are from those who have left comments. Either way, no comment from me! that would be unfair I guess. Hmm.] 

I feel I've had friends who aren't too considerate about other people's feelings, whether intentionally or not, and felt hurt and let down by them. Those who don't keep in touch with you but make an effort with others. Those who talk about occasions or events but never invite you. Those who have moved on and made new friends but forgotten about you.

People are hard work.

Looking Good?

I'll be the first to admit that sometimes I'll think Tom and I are very different individuals, and we have things that drive each other nuts.

There are good things too though! One of the things I think I've learned from Tom is not caring too much about what other people think in terms of things like worrying about their reactions. Tom admittedly doesn't really care what anyone really thinks about him anyway, but I'm a bit more sensitive.

However I admire the ability to not get uptight and concerned about things which are really not too important, mainly my appearance. It's so easy to get anxious about things with all the pressure and media surrounding fashion and size and looking a certain way, etc... so to meet someone who had the attitude of not being too bothered by these sort of things is brilliant. From my perspective I know there are things Tom would prefer me to wear on occasions (for example he thinks I look nice in dresses) but would never force me to do anything. A while ago he was encouraging me to get a fringe but I quite firmly stated that would not happen!

When you look harder at the important things with people you see their beauty beyond their appearance. And I think it's a sign of maturity to consider that if you are spending your life with someone you will see them change and age and go through all things with it, and still want to be with them. We're in our prime now so arguably things are only going to go downhill! Losing hair, gaining hair, weight, wrinkles, teeth... the lovely list is endless if you want to find things 'wrong' with your body.

But instead celebrate that you are what you are and who you are and the important things are your health and your relationships. Bodies will wear out and get tired, your soul and spirit doesn't have to.

Still miserable

Maybe I'm just a very sensitive individual, or maybe it's because I have already experienced my (un)fair share of sadness in my life, but I'm still shattered about Douglas. I know things will get better and each day things get a little easier, but that dark cloud of misery is still hanging over everything.

Strange how such a small life makes so much of an impact on the bigger things around it.

I think the hardest thing for anyone who has lost someone is the fact the most recent memories of them will be the painful - their death, the circumstances surrounding it, illness and suffering, responsibility and blame... And you have to really push yourself to remember the good things about them, the good memories - their personality, their voice, anecdotes, things they liked...

In my mind somewhere is a list of names under a heading reading 'DEAD' which is only going to get longer. I just hope it's a long time until anyone else is added to it.

Some sad news

Yesterday I took Douglas, my 9 month old uromastyx, to the vet. He'd been avoiding most food and been lethargic for a few weeks and I was getting worried. My mum nicely came and gave me a lift down to the vet.

When we got there it turned out he had a massive blockage in his system, either impaction (only cause we could think of was when we got him in June he had been living on sand which is known for causing this problem) or a huge growth. Whatever the cause it had essentially blocked his entire system and was fatal. Given that he was only about 3 inches long surgery was pretty much out of the question so the kindest thing to do was to have him put to sleep.

It was a hideous and quick decision I had to make and I was (and still am) absolutely devastated. The vet was very kind and said it was clear he was well cared for and we loved him, and I had a brief moment to hold him to say goodbye.

I decided not to stay for the anaesthetic or take away his body as we don't really have anywhere to bury him and I wanted to remember him alive. He was so small, so young, and the only comfort we got was that it was nothing that we did to him that caused the problem; it was just how it was.

In a strange way the timing of this all has made things easier: I'm off all weekend so don't have to go to work, he still had enough fat in him to carry on living but he was never going to get better so at least he wasn't in any more pain than that. Sadly Tom was stuck at work when I told him but he tends to deal with these things better than me. I have spent most of the past day crying.

Rest in peace little Douglas. I'm so sorry it happened this way, but we gave you the best life we could and we love you very much.

Life, The Universe, and Everything II

I'm sure I've already mused (rambled) on this sort of topic before but this has seemed quite apt recently.

What is the point of life? We've sanitised too much of the survival instinct and behaviour with modern convenience for us to need much purpose. We don't need to hunt for food, just work to buy it. Entertainment is at our fingertips. Medicine from our doctors and pharmacies.

Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the convenience of things. But why are we so bored?

There's a perspective in sociology called Functionalism, where they see each part of society as a cog in a machine which keeps working as every part has a function and works. It's slightly less depressing than Marxism (where the rich are keeping us down) but still a bit of a thinker. Am I here just to be that worker in society who has a job and therefore pays tax and keeps her own self afloat and helps keep the crime rate low and literacy rate high?

What happens when we start to get sick of our 'place'? Why should I work? Why should anyone who doesn't want to have to? Isn't life too short? Are we being kept in place by force by some upper force keeping our wages low enough to ensure our dependency on jobs as they revel in wealth and satisfaction? (the Marxism creeps back in...)

Perhaps the only way to appreciate anything in life is to know the difference it makes. Case study: recently our bathroom light broke. As we rent, it is the landlord's duty to come and repair it.

However the agency/ landlord took their time and we had darkness in the bathroom for about 5 weeks in total:

After it was fixed we greatly appreciated having that light back. But in the grand scheme of things happiness is not a bathroom light.

So I pose this question to you: What brings happiness? Not the brief gladness feeling you get from ducklings etc, but contentment. Or, is it even possible to have such thing as long-term contentment?

Answers on a postcard (ie comments section)

When things (people) move on

In my little life I have gone through a few big changes in circumstances over the years. The obvious ones are moving through school to sixth form, to uni, to graduating. In this I've been in different places and, in the case of university, lived in a different town altogether.

What of the things we leave behind? [sidenote - I have really learned that your family are for life, what a miracle!]

My big regret is that during the early part of uni I did not take greater care to keep in touch with people back home. At the beginning I was a dreadful bore everytime I went back; I was all about uni and my life there. It was mostly the same for everyone who had gone the same direction (what a fascinating bunch new students must be) so trying to keep up with a place you aren't constantly being saturated in can be a struggle. I'm not excusing it but my halls of residence didn't have internet for 9 out of the 10 months, so social networks, blogs, etc were used less.

However that annoying phase of "centre of the universe-ity" did end and I tried to get back in touch with some of the friends from back home. Of course people don't tend to pause their lives waiting for you so things had changed and a few were in different places and, perhaps, not as contactable. I'd like to think any messages of mine that I never reciprocated were the result of a lapse of concentration, changing phone numbers, etc, not being shoved at the back of a mental friend-priority pile where I'd worn myself to the edge of their radar.

With the internet you can see when someone has been in touch, for example a Facebook wall post. If you can see it, then it's there, and so can everyone else. With that ease, why not bother to reply? Especially when the rest of your activities are available to see so you can't use the excuse of missing the message or not being online recently.

Now I am seeing some of the individuals who were arguably quite close to me before I left have another life. I have not been there to see all of their changes, to know what has been going on and to develop our relationships. I do have friends here, some great friends, but seeing as a lot were from uni and themselves have moved on with their lives too, it would be nice to think that I can again have some passionate, close, loving friends like I used to.

I sound ungrateful - I'm not. Individuals are individuals, but I guess I miss having the access to a group with a connection in the way I felt it as a teenager. What is missing from the present, I'm not sure. Likewise, maybe I just need to try a bit harder with the people around me now so I don't end up missing them in the same way.

And also I'm sure I'll have many new friends to meet in the future. I hope.

Just for Mel (and anyone else...)

Thought I'd show you a pic of my monsters:

This is Rusty along one of my arms, how is that not cute?!

Ok, how about this:

Tiny Douglas!

Currently the little dude is asleep in his tank under a bit of wood, and the big one is wedged in between me and the end of the sofa also asleep. Aww, content babies...!


/annoying motherly-reptile post.

What can you live with?

What can you put up with not being perfect in your life? And what must you have been as good as it possibly can? Where will you make the sacrifice? I'd been thinking about this recently and ended up discussing it with a college at work today.

For example: you might be able to put up with a mediocre job, but only be happy if you live in a house instead of a flat.

Another: you might not mind dating and being single (against being in a relationship) but spend as much free time and energy on a particular hobby, like a sport.

I've also learned how to add pictures! Go me!

The reason I am thinking this is because I'm evaluating what I prioritise over what in life. I have lived in absolute dumps (sorry uni house!) and I am not a neat person. My flat is where I live but I'm not very materialistic. The place is untidy and has no room for ornaments or decoration. Everything here is functional or usable; furniture, books, computer, all the kitchen stuff, lizard tanks. I can deal with not having a perfect home - it doesn't bother me too much.

However there will be other areas where I will be picky and demanding. Maybe not outwardly so, but I have a growing awareness of things I want to change, even if they are not permanent, for the slightly better. As there are those who will go giddy over colour schemes, picture frames, furnishings etc, and will also spend a huge amount of time and effort maintaining them, I can let that slide. But I will be more easily bothered by other parts of my everyday life which I shall work to change.

An example of a home by someone who actually has time for it...

Not being too materialistic is a good thing in my opinion. If something breaks, it's broken. It might be annoying but it's not really the end of the world. The things I treasure the most are living things, memories and experiences; things you can't really buy or knock over. Sofas are for sitting on, tables for putting things down on, candles for lighting. Nuts to materialism.

Mind you, I lost my DVD of A Clockwork Orange a while ago and it annoys me slightly that I may eventually have to buy a replacement.

Ugghh...

Today I feel dreadful. I'm not unused to feeling a little rough once in a while, even though that doesn't cushion the blow at all. But today I am having to face up to a decision to speak to a doctor about letting me take medicine every day to try and help with a few days of horror.

I've resisted this for the past year or so in the hope that 1) things might start to get better without the aid of too many interfering drugs, and 2) trying to justify taking meds every day for a problem that ruins 2 days out of 30.

However I'm getting sick of ignoring it. I will have to deal with any consequences sensibly and make use of the medical help I can get in this country. To anyone who is ill or in any kind of discomfort, I have sympathy! So much sympathy. As personal comfort and health is such a relative thing, it can be easy for people to lack any kind of empathy if how they are effected by things is not the same as yourself; you're "making a big deal" to them. How unfair.

Anyway, I've finally got myself comfortable on the sofa (thank God I'm not back at work until Monday) and am reluctant to move too much as it took me about an hour and lots of tablets to get here! At least I don't have to do anything too strenuous for the next few days.

But I do want to make a cake later.

Goodbye to geckos

Yesterday I took our leopard geckos Sonny and Luna to a reptile shop in Gloucester. It was a hard decision but we'd eventually decided we wanted to get them a new home.

They aren't exactly the hardest pets in the world, but because they are quite basic in terms of intelligence and instinct they will never love attention and interacting like, for example, a dog or cat does. We'd 'tamed' them to tolerate being handled as much as we could so they would allow us to touch them without biting us (most of the time!) but it still stressed them slightly.

Also, as we'd accidentally put a male and female together they have become a breeding pair and now Sonny lays eggs every few weeks. We simply don't have the equipment or space to be able to incubate and hatch any eggs, then there's the hassle of selling the babies (who naturally have foul tempers and get stressed easily).

So we made the hard decision to see if someone would take them off our hands and offer them a better life. We certainly weren't neglecting them or anything horrible, we just think a more experienced breeder might be able to make better use of them, and they could add another female to the group and use Luna's albino colouring for mating and mixing certain colours and patterns.

As I mentioned, they aren't too intelligent or emotional (even as mates they still have no regard for the other and will literally walk all over them) so I don't think they are missing us, just getting used to a new location for the time being. The shop looked fantastic and they will keep them together and hatch some of their babies, so we're happy we've done the right thing.

Let this be a lesson to really think about the consequences before obtaining life of any kind.

On a happier note, we still have Rusty the bearded dragon and Douglas the uromastyx at home. At this present moment Rusty is wondering about the living room floor exploring/ looking for trouble. He seems quite content, which is all that matters when it comes to these little guys.

Busy recently!

Just a quick update; Last weekend Tom's dad got married so we went up to Blackpool for the ceremony and it was a lovely day! Spent a few days up there with Tom's family, then for the rest of the week we returned to Oxford to see my family and spend some time down there. I forget how much I hate Oxford City.

A Greater Reliance on Technology?

I'm not too techy. There's a problem with that in our society with there being huge gaps in the general public's abilities and knowledge with all things electronic and 'technology'. THESE ARE GENERALISATIONS!

For example, those who just do not have any involvement with computers (eg the older generation who never needed to) and so just kind of shun the whole thing quite happily.

Then there's those who use everything, like all kinds of gadgets and, well, buzzy-stuff. Generally seem to be the younger generations of society, and male. All my young male friends have things like iPhones, iPods, want iPads and other i-esque things to improve their lives. They're the ones who know about programming and downloading and how to set up computers and run them properly, to add stuff and change bits, know what things like graphics cards and USB drives and enjoy games consols. The guys I call whenever the laptop won't connect to the internet despite me merely turning the damn thing on for the 1000th time and this being a new issue.
Helpful as these people are, they tend to become obsessed with these kinds of things and it gets really boring being the one who isn't involved in all the same stuff and has no idea about it all.

Then there is myself. Can use a computer. Knows a few websites worth looking at (mainly the hilarious ICanHAsCheezburger.com, the interesting Cracked.com, and the thoughtful OliviasAdulthood.blogspot.com) cannot fathom why printers have to make life so difficult, knows how to call, text, and take pictures using my mobile phone but not much else. Yet everything seems to be more technical and it's annoying. I want a 'crap phone', as said by one comedian; I don't need internet stuff or touchscreen stuff and so on. There are so many wires and cables dotted about the flat from TV stuff, computer stuff, Xbox stuff, phone stuff etc.

I just think we're getting too reliant on all this electronic amusement which is so damn fast, that as soon as we know it we're bored again. I spent a few hours each day on the laptop. Doing what? Mainly procrastinating. The time it takes me to look at all I want and enjoy it is probably only about 1 hour, yet I spend longer on it. I have access to the answers to any question but so little useful information is out there. But it's convenient. It's fast. I don't need to buy a newspaper because I can look online.

There has to be a balance.

I have a new pet!

Despite having three lizards already, last week I decided to get another one. The problem with having an exotic pet is that whenever you go anywhere like a zoo you see all the resident animals as potential future pets! When we went to the Costwold Wildlife Park a few weeks ago I saw a couple of Egyptian uromastyx (spiny-tailed lizards). I'd seen some before in a pet shop so they were familiar but one at the park were very spritely and active and even though they are really ugly they are ugly in a cute way!

Someone on Preloved.com was advertising a baby uromastyx and all the kit for it as they were moving and couldn't take it with them. After a bit of a trek with my parents on Saturday, we now have a new little lizard in our collection! The thing I can't get over is how small he actually is; at only 5ish months old he's only about 3 inches long. Turns out they grow quite slowly, and having only seen adult specimens it was hard to tell from the photo how diddy he is.

We're not sure if it's a boy or girl yet (too young and small to tell) and we haven't decided on a name for 'him' but I'm so happy with him! Since Tom picked and bought the other three, it's nice to have one which is technically my own (though obviously we both look after all of them.)

Easy week

So I've cheered up a bit since my last post! My birthday weekend was nice, despite a few down points. And my newly-wedded friends are back from their honeymoon so hopefully soon I shall be catching up with them and seeing how they are adapting to wedded bliss. And also if they love/ hate my present I got them!

Somehow this week the rota at work has spoiled me and I am only working 2 days! (However next week I'm on for 5 straight days but oh well) and even though I'm really not doing much it's so nice to not have to go to work!

Today I've (foolishly?) started to go through all the drawers and wardrobe in an attempt to bring some order about the place and correct Tom's last tidying session. In case you think I'm being pedantic: in one drawer I found 2 dresses, a skirt and a pair of skiing socks. So it may explain why we struggle to find items of clothing that we wear less than once a week. However as I write I'm only part-way through and I'm well aware I need to get some motivation and carry on in a few mins.

I also had a new occurence the other day: my friends threw me a surprise birthday party! It ended quite messily but was a lot of fun and I'm very touched that they did it! I've always wanted a surprise party.

Back to the clothes sorting... I never want to fold another t-shirt again.

All gone to ruin?

Just wondering, without going into too much detail, is it pathetic to let some bad things ruin the better things?

Some people may say you can have things ruined if you let them, and therefore it's more an attitude to ignore the bad and concentrate on the good. Some find that getting the balance to fall in the better times' favour can be too delicate and thus easily tipped over into bad territory.

This weekend was big, and on approach I was filled with excitement as not only was it my birthday but also was my friends' wedding. However the other night I suddenly was struck with some sadness which had kind of came out of nowhere. My birthday has a bit of a turbulent history so around that time I'm reminded of some things, but they don't stop me enjoying myself or celebrating what it is. I think it's acceptable for a few hours of the year to remember times and get a bit upset about them, because then it's out of your system and you can carry on with things, and then also remember the better memories as the painful ones have almost been moved through and you're on the other side.

As it was, someone was a bit tactless to me about the whole thing, and I got much more upset and for longer than necessary, rather than just being allowed to have some 'sad time' (for want of a better definition) and then return to form when ready.

Anyway, back to the title point. I've obviously had a big and busy weekend; spending one day at my friends' wedding and the next with my family celebrating my birthday. It was a good time, but I'm wondering if a few things amongst it have tainted it in a more negative light than I would like. This has nothing to do with the sad memories of the past (life has very much moved on) but more making me frustrated with how things are going at the present. Am I just being overly sensitive and allowing negative things to bother me? And how can I turn that off? Do you tend to remember the bad things more clearly? Or am I almost justifiably annoyed about whatever has bothered me? Maybe a bit of both? Tough call.

It's late and this time of year beckons

Start with lizard news I guess. (I'm sure I used to have something more interesting in my life but that seems to have been replaced by reptiles!) Unfortunately our incubation of gecko eggs didn't go to well and they appeared to dry out so we gave up on them and got rid of them. Whenever Sonny lays her next batch (which she will soon) we'll get the lizard shopkeepers to collect them so there's less disruption and risk of destroying them again. Would be nice to see what little monsters have been created!

Tom had his birthday the other day. Sadly it seems as you get older birthdays become less of a big deal. As an adult it apparently you're not really meant to ask someone how old they now are...! But he got lots of cards from friends and family and lots of books as presents, so he'll at least be occupied for a while.

This weekend it's also my birthday, but I'm more excited because it's also my friends' wedding. Being rather young and having mainly friends around my own age means I've not been to many weddings yet, so I'm really excited to see them get hitched! It's well deserved for both of them and I am truly happy for their union. And I get a party on my birthday! So what if it's not my own?!

With the wedding weekend forecast to be sunny and hot I shall learn from my lesson a couple of weeks ago when on the bank holiday I wisely forgot to use any suncream and spent several hours outside in sun and then wind. My face was not only sunburned, but I had 'panda eyes' from wearing my sunglasses, AND my left side was worse than my right. Work was interesting the next day.

New things beginning

Tom and I did something different last night, we went on an Alpha course. A few years ago I wouldn't have thought it relevant to my life, purely as it's aimed for those who want an introduction to Christianity, and I wouldn't class myself in that area.

However in recent times it's become so apparent that I need more of God in my life than I have been getting, and was eager to join a new group and see if I could 'start afresh' and break in to a new group of people and become part of something bigger again. I also wanted Tom to come along and see my faith in action, as he's not been to a Christian meeting like that with me before, and for him to be able to ask more knowledgeable people questions as I cannot always answer them.

I had a brilliant evening! We were fed, made welcome, were given an informal talk, and had a chance to chat to everyone at the pub afterwards. Tom and I ended up talking to a lovely lady called Gabby who is training to be a vicar with the church, and she said how much she enjoyed talking to us as we both were partaking in a very energetic discussion! I hadn't seen Tom so animated in this kind of setting before.

I very much look forward to returning next week!

Another new thing recently discovered is that our bearded dragon seems to have changed his mind about water. He used to absolutely hate getting wet; bathing was a bit of a nightmare as he would have a small fit about it and that made things tricky. However he seems to be enjoying it more, and I braved putting him in the bathtub. Before we've used a sandwich box in the kitchen, but he's outgrown them! After a moment of sitting on his 'rock' (aquarium ornament) in the bath, he decided to have a splash about in the inch or so of water. Seeing as he didn't bother trying to get back out he obviously liked it! And he was cleaner afterwards.

Been a while

What a hectic month April turned out to be!

One of the reasons for not updating this soon was I inadvertently broke the power cable for the laptop and thus for a while we had no internet (nooo!) which was interesting... luckily that got fixed.

But April was a month of endurance for us. One of the problems that troubled us was our bearded dragon caught mites (a bit like fleas but for reptiles) and we were having to spend a lot of time and money that we didn't have on trying to sort him out as best as possible. In the end the best medicine seemed to be coating him in olive oil! I think he's nearly forgiven us...

Not before we'd finished with Rusty than during our trip home for Michelle's engagement party Tom had his own medical problem which lead to us being dropped off in Cheltenham A&E for about 9 hours. He had a problem with his chest which required many blood samples, X-rays, blood pressure readings and monitoring before they performed a small procedure on him and, thankfully, sent him home rather than keep him in overnight. We had a few days away from work together to keep an eye on each other and let him get his strength back up. He's been declared fit and healthy again now.

We also got a bit of a shock recently when we found out one of out geckos is actually a male! We had thought we had two girls, and unfortunately put them in the same tank assuming they would live a peaceful existence. Instead, some violent mating has occurred, and tonight we found the first batch of gecko eggs! We're currently trying to incubate them with a hope to hatch them and sell them to a reptile shop as we really can't keep any. Hopefully the couple will not produce too many more as we're more concerned with the possible health effects on the female laying them, but she managed the first two ok, and judging by the size of them we think it must have been a great relief!

Hopefully this next month will be a smoother transition into a more stable household routine where we can actually do the things we need (and want) and not be too hindered with the financial problems we've had over the past few months.

And I'm really getting into Bill Bryson books. I think I have more patience than when I was a teenager.

Books 2011

What I have read so far this year:

'Room' - Emma Donoghue
The Warlord Chronicles - Bernard Cornwell
first three 'Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy' - Douglas Adams
'Elephant Eats Hippo!' Alex Boese
'Nineteen Minutes' - Jodi Picoult

Re-read so far:

'A Short History of Tractors in Ukrainian' - Marina Lewycka
'We Are All Made of Glue' - Marina Lewycka
'PS I Love You' - Cecelia Ahern

That's all I can remember off the top of my head. But that list averages out at a rate of one book every eight days. Not too bad!

April and money

Just musing that this time last year I was working for a financial company who arrange ISAs for clients, and as the last day to apply is 5th April (end of tax year) of course it was busy, hence people like me taking some of the work on.

In contrast this year I am desperate for the tax year to end as it seems that yet again I have been taxed incorrectly and I need to get my P60 before I can claim anything back. So until then I am a bit poor.

Strange to me how there are those who rush to invest money in the hope that if they leave it for however long then they will have had growth without having to really do anything. And then there are those who have nothing to save as every penny counts and there is nothing spare. In my eyes having some savings is a blessing, and whenever an individual gets angry because their savings isn't growing much etc I resent their attitude because to me it is greedy.

I know that's a little black and white, but I think my experiences with that kind of world have left me a bit burned. I don't like the way people get so obsessed with money but we all do; my pay being over-taxed has stressed me out and angered me. But I think the difference is that it's one thing to be able to afford everything each month and have some left over to save, and another to be barely able to afford everything at all. Are we really all that entitled to have whatever we want?

I guess I am just having to face more of the real world, and so far my conclusion is this: everything is expensive, people will take from you whether or not they are meant to and it's up to YOU to claim it back, and effort rarely equates to reward.

/cynicism.

Bloody hard work

Title sounds very British...

Relationships are exhausting. They are the fundamental connection all human beings make in life, in every way, but to sustain a good one you need to work hard. I think that is where people tend to struggle with each other.

Have you ever been in a relationship with someone where you have run out of things to say to each other? I think I've been in that situation a few times and it's not a comfortable one. Losing interest in someone can be heartbreaking when it is a very close relationship. 

The relationships where the love is life-long and unconditional (ie: family) I feel you can enjoy the silence when there are pauses in communication. But not everyone works like that. 

Friends and romantic relationships often require more effort. But is it always worth it?

There is much to be said about sharing ideas and interests with the one person you are close with; discussions, b

debates and decisions tend to be easier that way. So trying to bond with someone who finds the most boring crap totally fascinating, who disagrees with your views, and has different personality traits might be a bit too hard. Sure, the start might be fun and interesting, but once the novelty wears off will it work?

If it is worth it, then yes. But, sometimes we need to accept that if the future of a relationship is going in wildly different directions for the individuals then it may be kinder to end it before getting more tangled.

That's not to say we should just give up at the first hurdle and throw everything away. Relationships are about the special bond between 2 people; about caring and loving, about rowing and disagreeing, about reconciling and determination. And fun. There must always be some fun and laughter!

Future Ambitions vs Reality

Recently I've been thinking more about the future and what I may ultimately end up doing. It's easy to think that we'll each have an understanding of the things we aren't completely sure of now, as if all the learning and training we will have in life has suddenly clicked into place, and we are all completely confident and sure of everything, and life is sorted. But in all honesty I know it's not always like that.

There are some areas of knowledge that even after years of involvement in the world that I am still stumped on. Like maths; I studied maths in school for 11 years. I am still terrible at maths. Basic addition and subtraction takes me a while to figure out and even then I still need a calculator.

With my training still ongoing in my newish job I am constantly aware of the amount I still do not know and things do not always come naturally to me. Most of this will be experience and practice, which is fine. I'm sure I'll eventually get there. What preoccupies me more is how long I will have to do it.

Don't get me wrong, it's not a bad job! It's just that sometimes I look back on the fact that I started this same role at 16 part-time whilst at school. Had I not bothered with my A Levels or university then I would be in arguably a better position in terms of a career in the same field. This seems to be what one of my colleges who is close to my age has done; and now she is in a good position with her job and has unshakable knowledge and confidence.

However I also then force myself to look at things a little more realistically: I have worked in a supermarket, 3 opticians, a call centre, an admin office, and several different shops. I have completed 3 A Levels (and an AS Level too!) and a degree. The fact that I am not working in my dream career is a combination of factors revolving around the restrictions of the recession, laziness, and the fact I am still not too sure what my EXACT dream career is and how to (successfully) get into it...

... but also if I stay with Tom and he does get into the Forces, perhaps I won't have to worry about it at all. I can choose where and when to work at my own leisure if money is not a problem (the dream of part-time hours!) Perhaps then I can actually look into options of what I really want to do, and I'm not telling you what that is yet!

I may require some kind of careers guidance I guess.

What advice would I give to my past self?

Inspired by my friend Mel's blog, I got to wondering if I had a way of communicating back to various points of my life, what would I say to my younger self?

Early Teens: "Don't let the bastards get you down, why do you care what all the other people think? Be nice but don't bother with anyone who wastes your time, you're worth more than that. Learn to shrug stuff off; why should you get embarrassed by anything? Keep listening to the music you like; those bands will always be worth it and the stuff everyone thinks is cool will be forgotten in about 3 years.
You will one day have a boyfriend, drink alcohol, have cool friends and even drive a car, but just wait and be patient, they aren't the end of the world. Oh, and do what ever the hell you want with your hair and clothes, Mum can't stay mad forever about things like that!"

Mid-late teens: "You're going to go through crap you can't begin to imagine, and it's not your fault. But it's not anyone else's fault either, so don't treat people as if it is. Whatever has caused your misery can't be changed, but you can make the rest of your life a better time. Accept yourself for who you are; you are beautiful, creative, lovely, wonderful person who lights up so many people's lives though you might not know it. Also, check out Scrubs, turns out Peter was right! Get on with your driving test too.
"When the rest of the nightmare kicks off remember who you have around you. They're going to need you for support just as much as you need them. And sometimes unlikely and tight bonds can form between people, treasure that. The pain of loss gets easier with time."

Uni: "Stick to your principles, stick with the right people, don't copy what everyone else does just because it's the done thing. Have a drink, go out, have fun, but don't live the life they do. Pick who you live with carefully, it's much easier living with people who share your values and beliefs and aren't totally miserable cows. And don't slag off your lecturers.
"Look for a job before you graduate, it's much tougher than you'd imagine. Plan ahead and get yourself organised. And save your money!"

Post-uni: "You end up living with a guy called Tom who you're in love with and he makes you get lizards as pets. The phase doesn't pass; you get at least 3, but it's ok because you secretly love them to bits. Job hunting is really demoralising but don't give up hope, and try new things. But as soon as you know you can't seriously stay in the job just get yourself out of there; your health isn't worth it and few people enjoy call centre work."

Anyone with a bit more wisdom got any advice they can give me for now?

Everyone is getting hitched!!!

Bloody hell, it's not quite March yet and already this year I know 3 people who have got engaged. All about my age too.

Are we all getting to the grown-up stage of our lives already? (I still don't feel particularly adult a lot of the time!) Have they all truly met the people they are destined to spend the rest of their lives with? Or are they just being romantic and not thinking about the huge responsibility of having to live and be married together?

I just get more questions the more I think! How do people know when they're ready to get married? Why do it at all in this day and age? (I do have some answers to that one myself but as a general musing) And how do you guarantee that it will last?

Some people it's easy to see how things will work and that they are clearly going to be a brilliant couple. But relationships are really hard work, regardless how lovely the people are. And I can't help but wonder at when some people get into the 'serious' stages if the couple can actually make it through all the tough stuff.

Same about myself; will I ever be totally prepared for everything in a relationship? In a few weeks I may have to think about the future a lot more and where I will be, and who will I be with? [This isn't ominous, Tom is trying to get into the Forces.]

Preparing for the future: A Case Study In Regret

I'm not too pleased with myself today, but I hope the guilt passes soon.

Today was the deadline for RSVP-ing to a friends' wedding. I was planning to go, naturally I want to see my friends get married and enjoy the best day of their lives with them, but the location is so far away from where I live, and in a remote location from where I would potentially be staying too. Unfortunately I didn't prepare enough ahead and sort of thought it would fall into place nearer the time but it didn't.

So regretfully I have had to say that I won't be able to be there. Which is a bummer.

The only consolation is that another friend is getting married a month later locally and the couple from this wedding I can't attend will be there, so at least I will be able to see them then, and celebrate our other friends' wedding.

I can blame it on many things: I can't drive, trains and hotels are so expensive, and at the moment we really don't have much cash for anything non-essential. Doesn't mean we shouldn't try to do things just because it isn't practical.

I just need to learn for next time.

Update of life and some films

Apologies, not much has been going on lately. Work is good and Tom had the last week off work so I got to see  him more often than usual which was nice!

We finally made it to the cinema last weekend to see The King's Speech, definitely worth a watch! I'm not going to bother reviewing it, just say all the cast did a fantastic job and it was really well done.

Luna, our youngest leopard gecko has recently developed a new annoying habit of rearranging her tank at night. We have cheaply decked it out with mainly cardboard tubes for her to hide in (leopard geckos aren't too demanding when it comes to stimulation) and she seems to have figured out how to move everything around. And she's nocturnal. Tom's been bothered when trying to sleep as her tank is in the bedroom though apparently I've not noticed it, but we didn't figure she'd be this fussy! Little monster.

My sister and her boyfriend have become engaged! So we'll hopefully be able to go home for a celebration in a few weeks. I guess they'll want a present then, knowing her...

And as a final note, we caught Ferris Bueller's Day Off last night on TV. I'd heard it was good but never managed to see it, and I must say it's one of the best films I've ever seen! It was hilarious, and both Tom and I were cracking up at everything. I went to bed and woke up still grinning! Then sadly I walked to work in the rain...

Work vs Benefits

After a brief discussion at work the other day, we were debating about government benefits and when it's right to have help and when you need to draw the line. In all honesty I have little experience with the whole financial benefit system and most people I know haven't either, so it's not fair for me to have overarching opinions on the whole thing.

But, hey, it's my blog.

We all know we have to work for a living, or failing that have someone rich to pay for everything for you. The idea is that you start dependent and work your way to providing for yourself. But why are there those who can't, or won't provide for themselves? Is it to do with upbringing? But if it is then what about those whose parents worked hard but they don't?

As far as I can (arguably naively) see, the idea of the benefits system is to help those who have fallen on hard times to get back to a self-sufficient place. The sad fact is that there are people who feel they are entitled to have money for nothing, regardless of the cost to other people. This is the apex of the negative label of 'benefits'.

I'd argue that you can rightly hate the fact some people will take advantage of the system put in place to aid them; those who have never worked and instead have a comfortable lifestyle without having to work for it. But what about the grey areas between?

Example: those who are on some kind of allowance which gives them money towards the necessities of life  but instead of using the amount to cover the complete cost, they pick a luxury option as they can afford the rest now part of it has been paid for.

Better analogy: someone needs shoes, they do not earn enough money so the government help them out and give them £30 to help afford them, instead of picking the £30 shoes, or even the £40 option, they opt for the designer £150 option which they prefer despite all shoes perform the same and do the same job. Is that moral?

IMO: No. We are all constricted by our means. I cannot afford all the nice shiny things I would like. We are tied to what we can afford. That's alright, it's how it is. But why am I having to foot the bill for those too selfish and lazy to do the same? If you need help for a while, that's fine, life can be harsh and everyone is entitled to some help. But don't get lazy and misguidedly forget your HELP and entitlement is only there because other people pay for it and your government does not want people to get too stuck.

Is Anger OK?

I suddenly thought about how my generation may be described (amongst other things) as perhaps a very angry generation. We see the things around us that are wrong, and we get angry about that. This is a good thing.

Lame example of a society's anger: the woman who put the cat in the wheelie bin. Look how much attention that got, and how viciously angry (rightfully in my opinion) we got as a nation.

But what about other things? What about the issues I feel are most pressing for our anger:
- hunger and poverty - sweatshops - inequality - restricting laws - corporations reigning control over everything - money being the motive behind any action - cruelty

There are plenty more things I'm sure, but these sprang to mind first.

In the past couple of years I have had to learn the very hard lessons about how life is not fair in the slightest, how humanity has bureaucratised every action to record and ultimately control it. Right now you're on the internet, the biggest technological linking system in the world for free speech and communication. However everything else in life involves you having to be a number on a list, to surrender to terms and conditions, to be forced to have to pay companies for things you need to live. I understand to create and sustain a society there needs to be organisation and funding to make it work, but how come so many things get ballsed up?

For example, when we moved last November to here, our new agency wrote to the council telling them we were the new tenents and we needed to be charged council tax accordingly. Luckily I went down in person to check all was correct, and it turns out that although they had added us as the new occupiers of the flat, they had not realised that we were no longer at our old address, and so were going to charge us for both places! Imagine the hassle of having to get a refund on that...

But my complaint: can strong negative emotions actually get us anywhere helpful these days? By making a stand but not causing damage or breaking the law; by fighting the authorities but not getting ground down into dusty numbers to keep them tidy as our voice is filed along with everyone else's "feedback" and ultimately ignored; by keeping people having the stamina to carry the cause until it is fixed. How many of us have given to a charity, but only for a while? Or decided to avoid a certain company's business because we don't agree with how the operate? Or giving up something for a stand? I know I have done all of those.

But I am so tired. Weariness comes after anger. I couldn't afford my own keep, so I had to stop donating money regularly to charities. I could not afford to buy clothes from only reliable Fair Trade sources, or the products I needed were made by companies who perhaps practised unethical methods. I missed bacon.

I am only human. At least I get comfort in knowing God will help me whenever I get angry and He can help me really do something about it. Whatever that may be. I've got a while to find it.

Finally visited Bristol

I had to do something for the very first time today...

Work sent me on a training day in Bristol as part of my induction to the company. I had until today never taken a train journey alone before, let alone to a city I'd never been to either.

Oddly enough I wasn't too scared by it. It was more a healthy kind of nervous/excited about getting on with something important that I needed to learn to do. Perhaps surprisingly everything went to plan, I got to Bristol fine, even found the right bus and found the store too!

I also did lots of training and learnt a lot but as I've been running off of about 5-6 hours sleep after a long day right at this moment I've forgotten it all. Luckily I do remember already knowing a lot about it as it was an introduction to optics but I felt for some of the others who were totally new to the whole area! It was a lot to take in even for those of us who have several years experience.

But I get a lie-in tomorrow... Nice.

Also - quite proud with myself for finally making the journey despite my fears and doubts about travelling. Oh yes, new stage of adulthood reached!

Royal Marines Commando...?

This morning was watching TV and saw the advert for Royal Marines Commando and it got me thinking... a small part of me had a sudden desire to be part of a team, to have no fear and to be the best you can physically be.

And then the majority of my brain jolted back and reminded me that actually, I didn't want to be part of the military, to be under command in situations that would cause me too much moral dilemma. And then I thought some more...

Why is there part of me desperate to have what is considered a 'career'? Back when I was in school and then sixth form, teachers and staff were often trying to persuade us to do certain things as it would help us in the long run when it came to trying to get a job. And a 'decent job'. But they never seemed to actually discuss jobs or jobhunting in detail: what are 'executives' or 'CEOs' or 'managers' or 'consultants' or all the other names of jobs you see when you search for work? They don't mean much to me, it's what the actual work that's needed that makes the job, right?

My generation seems to have been disillusioned about the whole thing. When I was in school, I achieved a lot and got good results. When it started to get a bit harder at A level, I dropped out and ended up starting Year 12 again elsewhere, this time in a better place and managed to get respectable results. All through this I was constantly told how high my generation would achieve and we could do anything, and if we were to consider university we were almost guaranteed a job afterwards as a degree showed we had applied ourselves and therefore looked better to employers.

Unfortunately mid-way through my degree the Recession hit and suddenly there were fewer jobs and it was harder for anyone to get work. Education was not as important as experience. And having no experience people weren't interested in taking a gamble on a newbie.

All the promises of working hard to get you somewhere impressive seem to have crumbled into dust. So there I was, uni graduate with an effectively useless degree and no profession or job. Since finishing my education I have worked in SIX different jobs, including my current one. I know I'm hardly unique in this situation, but it often feels like I haven't really achieved much of any use. The job I've just got is actually the same one I had when I was a teenager living at home, just in a new place and more hours.

But wait:

It's so hard to get work these days. I'm testament to that. To find a job I like/ can do and to get even considered or a response from a company is a rarity, so to have actually got this job something must have gone right. Maybe not everything is a total waste of time.

So my A levels and degree may not be the reasons I was hired, but do I regret doing them? No. I learned a lot studying, both academic and in the bigger picture of life. In sixth form I learned to look at the world differently and finally got to enjoy the social side of school with friends. At uni I learned some life skills (from being a bit more diplomatic to cooking and washing clothes!) as well as having 2 guilt-free years to investigate and practice a craft I love. No, I'm not doing it much these days, though perhaps this blog might be a step towards it.

And career? Why does it have to be something exclusive to something I have earned so far? I am young, have plenty of life to live and experience. Besides, I don't actually know what I want to do yet. I'll grow up a bit first and find out along the way.

Right, that works then

I hate technology. Computers are so damn complicated. I know how to use them (obviously otherwise you wouldn't be able to see this) but anything more sophisticated than finding a webpage or turning it off and on again tends to perplex me slightly... it's one of the occasions that I have to totally rely on Tom's skills and trust he's set everything up right.

Anyway, this page is officially up and running!

Currently I am stuck at home on my sofa where the cushions like to move around beneath you. I'm here because I'm ill, otherwise I would be at work. I only started my job last week and on Sunday I started coming down with  something and then I was diagnosed 'ill' and have missed work all this week. Actually that's not entirely true, I did go to work this morning. And I was feeling pretty good too considering I'd been in bed practically all day Monday. But by 10am my new-found recovery rebounded and I had to choose between staying at work near the toilets all day for fear of, well, you can guess, or go home and be miserable and contagious in my own comfort. Mind you, the 20 min walk home was pretty tense as I prayed that I wouldn't have a funny turn on the way...

Thankfully I am home safe, dignity nearly intact. I have whiled away the day in my pyjamas and continued to tidy up the flat a bit more. Too ill to be at work, but not so weak I'm confined to bed. It's really frustrating and also BORING. I'm saving the washing up for later (yeah, right) but I've sorted out laundry and even polished the coffee table.

My only other source of entertainment apart from daytime TV (and the only thing worth watching are Gilmore Girls and Scrubs re-runs) is Rusty going a bit nuts. Rusty is our baby bearded dragon, who even after being in the same glass tank since September, still can't figure out why that pesky lizard he can see at one end of it can't be caught. Basically, lizards are stupid and don't understand reflections. I have seen him display some impressive jumping skills earlier as he moved from ground to ledge, from ledge to side, then an undignified flop back down to ground, but he's too determined to let the reflection be.

He's also been puffing his neck out at me today, though I think that was because he has been shedding his old skin today and it might help somehow. I prefer that idea than he's decided to start getting aggressive to me. He's only just forgiven me for trying to get him to have a bath a few weeks ago...

So on this miserable January day, where the skies really have darkened and the rain sounds trickly from the kitchen end and slow thumping drops from the lounge window (must be the piping etc on the different walls outside) at least I am in a warm dry flat for my pains and grumbles. Another problem with being sick/ lazy is that although you get plenty of time to think, you lack the strength or motivation to do much. Right now, I'm lacking in company. Tom finished work soon and will be back, and happy as that makes me I also know this means the loud music will start and he'll want the laptop I'm using.

Perhaps I should have bought the Steig Larsson trilogy when I had the chance. I'd be ploughing through them today!

Another Beginning

I've kept a blog before. And a diary. Many people have. Except that I tend to let them drop off and die quite quickly so they become useless within a few weeks. So, I'm trying yet again.


Since I've moved away from my parents and have really started setting up a new life for me here I thought it might actually be worthwhile starting a new blog so that friends from near and far can see what is going on in a (little) bit of detail. My old blog was started in my teens and trailed off at somepoint when I finished uni, and with it being the beginning of a new year it seemed appropriate timing to start afresh with all that's going on.


Right, so another attempt at keeping a log of life (not counting Facebook status updates) in perhaps a more grown-up manner this time. Let's have a go...